I am a genie. I grant you three wi—
Me: ONE GOOD TWEET!!
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MAN: What are you doing?
ME: [pointing gun at lake] Fishing
MAN: No way will-
SALMON: [walks out of lake with fins up]
left my hotel balcony door open a bit and a pigeon wandered in, stole some of crackers, screamed at me and then left. so yeah when i die i wanna reincarnate as a big city bird
My daughter told me breathing is for losers and now I have to somehow surreptitiously check her for gills
It takes a long time to delete 900 million dollars worth of stuff from an Amazon shopping cart.
[a magic show]
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this…
[1 hour later]
…him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him (a policeman): my god, how many credit cards did you steal?
I’m 43 years old and still ask if I’ll need a shot and expect a lollipop every time I go to the doctor.
But have you tried acting like a cicada and screaming nonstop until someone has sex with you?
Friday the 13th is my favorite movie about killing anyone having more sex than me
14 [in front of the dinner his dad made]: I don’t understand what I’m looking at.
Whoever said that collectively women are the fair sex obviously didn’t understand the meaning of fair, or women, or maybe even sex…
The Hadron Colander has four crossing points where the accelerated pasticles collide and also makes a great sun hat if you are into that kind of thing.
Throw me to the wolves and they’ll come back with cute names, little sweaters & an affinity for baby talk.
I saw a sign that said “bridge subject to icing” and I thought “that sounds delicious”
Day new couch arrives: No more food or drinks on the couch, I’m serious!
1 week later: *Kids are eating pancakes directly off the cushions*
handyman: figured out why your cupboard keeps opening
me: *nodding* ghosts
handyman: …this screw is loose
me: ah.
handyman:
me:
handyman:
me: how would a ghost get a screwdriver?
Cat doesn’t realize if he succeeds in tripping me on the way downstairs to feed him, we all die.
Naming that space movie Gravity makes about as much sense as naming Jurassic Park something like There’s No Dinosaurs In This.
[Before 9 was invented]
7: damn I’m hungry
“What do you see in him?”
– me to the x-ray tech imaging my kid
WARNING: Local youths in the park are claiming to be tax inspectors & are issuing fines for €70 in “gullibility tax”. DO NOT PAY. Turns out there’s no such tax. When you go back to confront them, they say they can’t do refunds without a tax receipt. THEY NEVER GAVE ME A RECEIPT
[date]
him: I loved Captain Marvel.
me: Me too!
him: What was your favorite part?
me: *sweating* The uhhh…marveling
Mario Kart:
1) stays in first place for 3 laps
2) gets passed by 5 people at last second
3) slams controller
4) quits job
5) divorces wife
I tell people my parents are divorced, but technically we lost my mom in a corn maze
I like washing dishes by hand because it relaxes my mind, plus you can use the steak knives to play Wolverine.
“you recording!?”
No Karen, you can’t return your
eclipse glasses tomorrow and
claim they “didn’t fit.”
Some children show signs of greatness at an early age, I just found my kids playing hide and seek in the bathtub.
[Annual Review]
Boss: how do you think you performed this year?
Me: *an accountant* I think I “excelled” at my job.
Boss: you’re fired.
Me: This is such an accrual profession.
Follow your dreams
Eat that cake
Skip the ads
Cut your own hair
Dye it too
Go on the run
Dance in moonlight
Hold your loved one close
Closer
Steal their soul
Offer it to Cthulhu
Write a children’s book
Illustrate it too
Love yourself
Imagine
To err is human
To purr is cat
To grr is dog
To brr is cold
To durr is dumb
To slur is drunk
To occur is when you realise this tweet is going nowhere