Alien: We’ve returned, show us what you built with our technology
Egyptians: …
Aliens: …
Egyptians: ok don’t be mad
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5 easy ways to make money as a writer:
• Sell your blood
• Return cans and bottles
• Shoplift and re-sell items from a cart
• Learn to play guitar and busk
• Pawn your laptop
If you’re looking for ideas, a family bike ride is another fun way to sit and listen to your kids complain for an hour.
Me: Open your mouth, and close your eyes, and get ready for a big surprise.
5yo: Yum! A chocolate chip!
Me: Haha you just ate poison.
5yo: Quick. Give me the antelope!
I basically have three hairstyles.
1. Straight
2. Wavy
3. Homeless
boss: we’re starting to think you don’t really value this job anymore
me: [wearing bathrobe] not sure what u mean
No way!
My goal whenever I open my car door is to have a bike rider crash into it and hope that they are escaping from a crime scene.
My son turned 3 and suddenly his elbows are spears, all I’m saying is it seems very uncool that my tiny dictator should get more weapons.
Pal – “Can you help me put this IKEA desk together?”
Me – “I’ll need a screwdriver.”
Pal – “Sure what type?”
Me – “Greygoose or Kettle One.”
Yes,I put my kid on a leash. I’m not scared of her being abducted. I just REALLY wanted a puppy instead.
*sees other guys posting photos of their abs*
*posts photo of me washing dishes*
*gets hit on by every woman on the internet*
I got fruit flies
they’re multiplying
and I’m losing control
cuz the bananas
my kids are supplying
they’re liquefying
Reason 5,746 why parents drink- my kids are fighting over whose horse is going faster on the same merry-go-round
I bought a lamp made from citrus fruit, but refuse to use it.
I’m trying to avoid the limelight.
Just been talking to Old Bob. He was talking about all the people in his life he’s lost along the way. Lovely man, worst tour guide we’ve ever had.
Who called it Thanksgiving and not the Nightmare before Christmas?
I once dated a girl to get closer to her parents’ record collection.
If PRETTY WOMAN starred WILLEM DAFOE.
Jesus H. Christ.
My dog ate my work from home.
Gym instructor: It’s never too late to start working out.
Me: Fantastic! I’ll start tomorrow.
My Fitbit mistook my panic attack for high intensity interval training.
I am so lucky that I can’t tell the difference between a heartfelt compliment and sarcastic disdain. Life is much easier when you’re dumb
I’m a writer because one time an English teacher read my dumb essay to the class as an example of how to write and I’ve been chasing that high of external yet ultimately meaningless validation ever since.
A child’s purpose is to help their parents relearn the states and capitals.
Me: I’m worried my cold is making me deaf
Doctor: What are the symptoms?
Me: They’re a yellow cartoon family
I enjoy how fitbit tracks the calories I burn just by being alive. I like getting credit for that.
8: [dragging the dog by her front legs]
me: don’t do that! Would you like it if I pulled you by your arms everywhere?
8: I don’t care
me: hm ok
Narrator: oh but he did care. He cared A LOT in fact.
My boss said he wanted the fire drill to be as realistic as possible, but then he yelled at me for looting. Make up your mind, bro.
“The Walking Dad,” but it’s just a guy walking around the house turning off lights and muttering that he’s “not made of money”
Me: Your honor, he’s not asking the witness any questions. He’s just reading Harry Potter to the jury.
Judge: Yeah, I’m gonna allow it.