The Shining is my favorite movie about what can happen when you spend too much time with family.
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Parents these days take their kids to the E.R for scraped knees and paper cuts..
When I was 11 I died and my mom told me to walk it off
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles.
Accidentally sucked up a ghost in my vacuum cleaner, not sure what the protocol is for this
*gets into trouble*
Trouble: Wrong hole.
ME: what time would you like me at the restaurant?
HER: I don’t even like you now
Husband: Did your friend Kathy have her baby boy?
Me: She had a girl.
H: Oh.
Me: Yeah, she’s 5 now.
If you need a laugh.. 😅
At the restaurant I heard a lady say her taco was too salty. My wife had to leap over the table and cover my mouth before I said something.
I was thinking about drinking less beer but I knew I couldn’t do it if I always have cold ones ready to go.
It was self a self fridge-filling prophecy
I’m teaching 7 it’s ok for a man to cry, & it’s also ok for a man to jump on a table, scream and throw coins at a spider.
Bought a pair of camo sweatpants but my kids can still see me when I wear them. This is bullshit
That moment you are trying to figure out if you are Joey, Ross, or Chandler and you realize you’re Gunther.
the nice thing about always being late is never having to worry about getting worms
Some creepy guy with a mustache is running on the treadmill next to me at the gym…never mind, it’s a mirror.
Wildebeest: 5 cheetahs on the horizon sir
Wildebeest Sergeant: How many men do we have?
Wildebeest: 4,000
Wildebeest Sergeant: RETREAT!
If someone has a second baby, tell them it is better than the last one.
My beach vacation Google searches
If only vehicles could be equipped with little blinky lights on the corners to alert other drivers the direction they wished to turn…
They say you should dress for the job you want then send you home as “the stormtrooper suit is not appropriate work attire”
“Why do you wanna work at Clickbait Enterprises?”
Here’s 10 reasons why I should get the job
“ok”
Number 7 will shock you
“You’re hired”
My 15 year old dishwasher finally kicked the bucket today. So my husband said, “Well at least now I know what you’re getting for Valentine’s Day.” YALL.
Eating chocolate pudding from a diaper is a good way to get a whole row to yourself at the cinema.
My toxic trait is skipping the cart at the grocery store thinking I only need a couple things and then getting to the checkout with 57 things precariously balanced on various parts of my body.
“I’ll have a rum and coke”
Is pepsi ok?
“Sure whatever”
*hands you a pepsi and coke*
*brings vasectomy paperwork to speed dating*
serial killer: come take a ride with me to the desert
me: sure!
serial killer: r-really
me: yeah there’s no light pollution and i love astronomy
serial killer: ok but you have to ride in the tr-
me: *hopping in the trunk* to the stars!
My dad brought me yellow gatorade because that’s the medicinal flavor. orange is for exercise. red is the best tasting but has no healing properties, it’s just a drink like an arizona iced tea.
Me: ‘I miss you.’
The Point: ‘No shit.’
I wouldn’t trust someone as far as I could throw them
[throws someone]
ok, we can trust that baby