I read murder mysteries for complicated plot lines, well rounded characters, and creative yet practical alibis.
You Might Also Like
Save on property taxes by putting your house legally in the name of that bag of peas in the freezer.
In Canada they just call them geese
[sipping hot orange juice] if you’re breaking up with me at least give me a reason
Let’s bring back the word HOOTENANNY
[First date]
Him: So where do you hike?
Me: I don’t hike.
Him: Your profile said you love hiking.
Me: I’m a fiction writer.
My husband let the batteries die in all the security cameras because he didn’t like seeing his bald spot at a better angle.
Trump’s rhetoric has become even more disturbing and incendiary. Today he claimed “Burger King fries are as good as McDonald’s fries.”
Her: I want a man who will carry me to the bedroom
Me: I gotchu babe *Gives piggyback*
I said hi to someone and a bug flew into my mouth. Lesson learned.
My obituary: She died in the shower, dancing away from a spider that was really just black sock fuzz.
I talk dirtier in traffic than I do during sex.
Overheard, my kids-
7: did you know when you’re older you’ll have boobies like mummy?
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3: don’t be silly, when I’m older I’ll be a panda
Might start docking extra points from students who aren’t smart enough to cheat on their distance learning vocab tests.
Editor: You wrote a play about Victorian England using menstrual blood as ink?
Me: Yes, it’s a period piece.
Mud season creeps up on us every year, destroying hearts and minds as well as light grey carpeting.
“Ive fallen ill with Coronavirus”
-panic inducing
-everyone will think you don’t wash your hands“I’ve been coronated”
-not as scary
-are you royalty?
-can I borrow your crown?
-you can’t probably marry a celebrity now
me: [typing] donkey kong
fbi agent watching my screen: don’t do it
me: donkey kong no tie
fbi agent: god damnit-[into radio] take him down
‘our sage died’ , my wife calls from the garden
‘ok, well, ok’ I say after a desperate mindscroll to be sure we have no children, pets, friends, parents, cousins called Sage
king kong winces in agony after stepping on a lego store
[walking her home after the first date]
She: I love long walks
[Trying to impress her]
I have to walk everywhere cause I can’t afford a car.
Someone had to say it 🤷♂️
*tumbles down basement stairs, laundry flying everywhere*
Me: *whispers through pain* parkour…
*Uses time machine to constantly go back to bed*
My favorite yoga pose is downward facing in a bowl of mashed potatoes
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
Bears spend a bunch of time getting fat, sleep for a few months and then wake up skinny. Being a human is terrible.
Him: (on phone) Why are you single? Me: (watching a movie about a killer tire) I don’t know.
Haven’t even received my $1,200 yet and I’m already worried about gold-diggers.
Procedure for being unthanked for door holding:
1. Keep eyes fixed on culprit
2. Say you’re welcome
3. Shake head
4. Mutter “unbelievable”
So to fix my shitty attention span I just need to read your list of ten different 400 page books on concentration…