*sees a truck*
Nice.*sees a trucker*
Oh, impressive.*sees a truckest*
Ah yes. This is what I came for.
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If you’re dying, and have recently lost your car keys, take the opportunity, as your life flashes before your eyes, to try to spot them!
Cop: Ma’am can you describe the panty thief?
Her: White male, early 40s, overweight
Me from the closet: Husky, I prefer to be called husky
I never eat spiders in my sleep because I hang a sign at the door to my mouth that says “I’m a vegetarian” and they know to leave
[at punchbowl]
Me: You go ahead.
Lady: No, I insist.
Me: Together, then?
*we both pour vodka from our purses in*
I’m afraid of people who keep smiling all the time. I feel like they still have plenty of space left for more bodies in their basement.
My 3yo is heckling me about what YouTube search results appear when I type in her dictated search terms. I never anticipated this parenting moment.
I want to name my daughter Katie but that spelling is too common so I’ll spell it Potassiumatie.
I had a lazy eye as a child and now the rest of my body has caught up.
friend: which is more important, honesty or loyalty?
me: whichever one makes this conversation end
[drunk, yelling at a can of baked beans] ALEXA PLAY BENNIE AND THE JETS
You didn’t have to say “he’s a male nurse.” When you said ‘he’ my psychic ability of gender discernment kicked in.
uncle ben: remember pete, with great power comes great responsibility
peter parker: you’re right i should stop crimes with my webs
uncle ben (scared): ok.
“How’s your core?” bro I’m not an apple.
My mug is Stanley. My cooler is Yeti. My driveway is snowy. Just one of these is truey.
Me attempting to flirt: So do you also like eating food?
Me: makes the painful yet responsible choice to face the day
Universe: Here’s an actual dead fly in your cup of coffee
Some mistakes you only make once, like sniffing your kids’ clothes to see if they’re dirty or clean
My almost 80 year old father was scrolling through obituaries the other day at breakfast when he noticed that the husband of one of his old girlfriends had passed away. So anyway my dad has a new girlfriend.
The worst part about having your death go viral is that you get kicked off the Queue for Taylor Swift tickets. #RIPJimmyFallon
Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub.
There’s liquor and you can’t hear them.
“Grammies” is a shortening of “gramophones.” Now that most people listen to music on their smartphones, the awards should probably be called (and I love this) “Phonies.”
Having no clue about human anatomy is my Achilles Elbow.
[reading directions]
These are probably garbage words, I’ll just do what I, a moron, think
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
I’m locked out. Come let me in.
DR: Good news and bad news
LADY: What’s the bad news
DR: Your husbands dead
LADY: *crying* Oh my god
DR: *holding finished sudoku behind back* Ask what the good news is
Absolutely stellar ‘people in the papers pointing at the thing that’s made them angry’ today
Bummed cuz parents wont send their kids to my resort that teaches how to pay attention.
I thought “Concentration Camp” would be a gold mine.
Freaking out people walking round the cemetery dressed as a Ghostbuster.
*a few seconds before a spider jumps on me. ”
“Let’s not fight.”
Keep your friends close and your enemies buried beneath your floorboards