My daughter [air quotes] camped outside the house with 7 of her friends last night.
*ran an extension cord from the house to charge their phones and had uber eats delivered in the backyard directly to their tents.
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ME: I had salmon for lunch
WIFE: the L is silent, idiot
ME: haha I knew that, I meant unch
[pet shop]
me: excuse me, do u work here?hamster: no
Have single guys scared of the “Friend Zone” even heard of long-term relationships or marriage?
Don’t mistake my kindness, or my inability to do one (1) pull-up, for weakness.
[hearing that someone has died]
oh no that guy hated dying
There are two wolves inside me, one just took a brisk 1 hr walk while a drinking a gallon of water and the other binged an entire show and downed a pint of ice cream.
All-day Christmas music at work, day 4:
Just Googled “Candy cane prison shank”
Anyone who thinks things have got so bad that they can only get better is showing a remarkable lack of imagination.
ME: I‘ve been feeling a little horse
JOCKEY: you’re disgusti–
ME: I mean my throat hurts
JOCKEY: oh right ok
ME: [under breath] from kissing so many goddamn sexy horses
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery, but if I did, you’d see someone else cutting all this damn grass.
I let my dog watch “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it….Which surprised me because, he hated the book.
Baby, you’re a firework: You hold my interest for about 15 minutes and scare the shit out of my dog.
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your phone.
I caught myself in the mirror eating a peach and instantly realized why so many people have boundaries with me.
People are like “I’m gonna ugly cry” and I’m like “with that face, no doubt”
Told my 9 year old school is cancelled for at least 4 weeks due to coronavirus and he asked why scientists don’t just develop “nanorobots to go in our blood and eat the virus.” So if you lazy scientists could hurry it up he’d appreciate it thnx
thunderbolt and lightning
very, very frightening me
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
*nervous sweating* I’m going to go to the bathroom, did you want anything?
(Me tryna flirt)
My octopus can beat up your octopus.
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*“Lets do this.”
Ice Bucket Challenge Champion since 1945 ☺️
Me: am I pretty?
Cat: I mean compared to what?
Me: never mind
I feel sorry for all those girls bragging that they don’t have a gag reflex. They’ll probably die choking on an Olive Garden bread stick.
My mom asked me a question and when I went to answer she said, “Hold on I can’t hear you. I gotta turn on the light.” The dark was too loud?
If you’re feeling down, just think of the person for whom your ex is a step up, and be grateful.
Fetty Wap’s full name is Fettuccine Wireless Application Protocol.
Someone left an honest-to-goodness Yellow Pages phonebook on my front porch today. I immediately notified the Smithsonian. kids, ask your parents what a phonebook is.
Her: “Want to see a picture of my baby?” Me: “Does it look like a baby?” Her: “Yes…” Me: “Seen it”
me: I invited colin for dinner tomorrow
her: is that the guy that always gets the day wrong?
*knock at the door*
me: yes
grocery shopping while hungry feels like online shopping while drunk