As a former member of the Leopards Eating People’s Faces party until it became extremist, I can tell you that the Let’s Not Eat Anyone’s Face party will get nowhere unless it elects a candidate who wants leopards to eat *some* people’s faces.
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dude in this airport saw me reading and said “oh you like literature, have you heard of……. charles dickens” and i said no
My cat knocked my phone into the toilet so now I have to shop for a new cat.
A gorgeous woman’s been staring me down from across this cafe for an hour. The wildly handsome man directly behind me must be super jealous.
Why did they call it bacon fat and not oinkment omg I’m so sorry
I need to go shopping for a new outfit. Anyone know who sells sizes OMFG and WTF happened?
I hate when people ask me “how do you feel your presentation went?”
Excuse me I blacked out & astral projected the entire time, you tell me
One time I was teaching a guy how to use the stump grinder and he said no worries it’s just a machine they pretty much all run the same. And I was like wow that’s a great point I really admire that. And then he ran it through a shed
If there’s karaoke or no karaoke I’m not going
I’m in the other room and I hear my 3yo shout, “In your face, poop”. Then the toilet flushes. I would give anything to get that excited about pooping again.
Pro Tip:
If you leave an assortment of tissues, cold medicine, and a big bag of cough drops visible on your desk, coworkers will avoid you!
You’d think the heat and humidity would steam some of the wrinkles out of my body
HER: What’s your cell plan?
ME: Bodily decay over decades until inevitable mortal collapse. You?
HER: …
ME: …
HER: … V-Verizon.
My cat has a legal name but she prefers to go by her pet name.
I bet the person who named the fireplace also named the waterfall
If you hate someone on your Christmas list, buy them parakeets.
my uncle ben died but it wasn’t my fault, do i still have to fight crime?
Cult leader: We need to sacrifice a virgin
[Everyone looks at me wearing cargo shorts]
Me: What?
Social norms ?
We grew up thinking it’s perfectly normal that Tom and Jerry were always naked and only wore swimsuits when at the beach.
*golf pro picks up his ball and eats it*
*audience claps politely*
I’m so lazy that I’ll break my tooth trying to get this tag off before I get up and get a scissor.
Me: Can’t. I’m exhausted from all the CrossFit this morning.
Him: It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ & how the hell did you eat the entire dozen?!
Me: My waitress said “Have a nice day” and I replied “I love you too, Mommy.” Lol, that could happen to anyone, right?
Therapist’s notes: “I’ve got a live one here.”
“..,you will die in seven days”
*creepy voice on the phone*
Me; “new phone, who dis?”
Dear Abby,
How long should you feel obligated to date someone after they’ve given you the Heimlich?
Inventor of Shredded Wheat: What if you could eat wicker furniture.
[after plane flies upside down for a full minute]
pilot: sorry about that turbulence folks i was having a nightmare
I didn’t have hamburger buns one day and instead of running out and getting some, I just used bread like my mom used to do and when I served them, she actually said “I can’t believe you’re making your kids eat hamburgers on bread slices!” and rolled her eyes at my kids!
I’ve spent the last six months trying to find my Mother-In-Law’s killer, but no one is willing to do it.
Breakfast Club: don’t you forget about me
Fight Club: forget you have a whole other personality
I get Grumpy when I run out of Dopey.