i didn’t think at 41 i would be saying “but please don’t tell my parents” as often as i do
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A sadist doctor keeps his stethoscope in a fridge
Imagine you were a vampire nowhere near the Middle East and don’t know who Jesus is but the day after he dies you gotta figure out why lower case t’s started hurting.
Whenever people announce “I’m marrying my best friend” for a second I always think “oh shit what about your boyfriend, he seemed so nice”.
I’ve been calling my wife “honey” for 12 years because I don’t know how to tell her I forgot her name.
2020 was the worst escape room I’ve ever done.
me: [throws jacket over a puddle like a gentleman]
my date: why my jacket
People are always weirded out when I take notes during episodes of Dexter.
Worst part of being an idiot is always forgetting it. If I was a smart person, I’d remember I was an idiot from the start and plan around it
Trying to break up with an optician, but every time I say I can’t see you anymore, she moves an inch closer and says “how about now?”
PET SHOP OWNER: So would u like a puppy for your son?
ME: Yes[home]
WIFE: Where’s Tommy?
ME [with a puppy] ok so they offered me this deal
COP: Can you describe the man who shot you?
ME: He seemed mad
ME: I really love motorsport.
DATE: Do you like F1?
ME: I like all the function keys.
Me: My son is pathologically literal.
“Perhaps he should see a child psychiatrist?”
Me: I think we’ll try an adult doctor first thanks.
Him: Did you make a New Years resolution?
Me: Yeah, I’m gonna be more patient with idiots
Him: Great! How’s it going?
Me: *very deep breath* so so
me: *installs app that vibrates phone whenever I’m owned online*
wife: do you hear bees
ALADDIN: I can show you the world
ME: I’ve seen enough
can’t stop thinking about the time I got shamed by a rock
Dog park man handed me an ice cream and I must’ve looked a bit too excited because he felt the need to clarify it was for the pup not me
Holiday cards, when you care enough to let friends, family, customers & clients see how your handwriting hasn’t improved since fourth grade.
“dance like no one is watching, walk like someone is behind you trying to get around you.” – ancient nyc proverb
My refrigerator is so full I have to slide the Country Crock out like I’m playing Jenga
There are only a few more shopping days left until your loved ones find out how little you understand them.
[First Date]
Her: Your Tinder profile says you’re a great listener
Me: Really. Ugh. That’s a typo. It should say I’m a “great listener.”
Her: Your hair looks nice today
Me: Thanks. I slept differently.
My life in a nutshell
Marital Status: My husband is mad at me because I cheered for the wrong college football team.
Neighbor’s garden looking so good, I have peonies envy.
Me (to a baby): Hush little baby don’t say a word. Momma’s gonna buy you a mocking bird
Mom: like hell I’ll buy that kid anything..
ROOF GUY: That’ll be $15,000
ME: I thought you said it was on the house
I constantly see other people’s jobs they’re doing or have done and think “psshhh, I could do that better” like artists, photographers, dog walker, giraffe masseuse, water boy at a bath house, monkey tickler, Seth Greens personal high fiver, Doctor of Thuganomix.