*wife offers me a sip of her water*
m: Am I gonna catch what you have?
w: No
m:
w:
m: Are you sur-
w: You’re not going to get my period!
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This is the cutest stalk I’ve ever seen. The ear scratching is just the best 😂
HER: I like talking during sex, but I can’t stand it when you narrate the whole thing
ME: As she complains, I begin removing my pants slowly
Everyone wants to be a Viking until you set them out to sea on a boat that’s on fire.
You make me want to be a better home and garden.
I had to use first and middle names on my daughters today for overly rough play in the pool.
Ages 22 and 25. With 401ks. This never stops.
Her: I think my fathers in jail.
Me: No, No, No… He’s in Alabama. It’s like jail, but with trees.
Just because something’s vegan doesn’t mean it’s cruelty-free. For example, my ex-girlfriend
optimus prime: [doing standup] i just flew in from new york and boy are my arms tires
I get it crossfitters, if I did that I’d be angry, too.
When she stops crying and gets really quiet, keep your guard up. You’re experiencing what scientists refer to as “the eye of the shitstorm.”
heavy rain in Los Angeles is a great way to find out that every roof in the city has apparently been purely decorative this entire time
Remember, you are statistically more likely to be killed by a donkey than a plane crash.
[Donkey Pilot turns and does throat slit gesture]
Sean Swordd: mighty
Sean Penn: mightier
Waiter: Ready to order?
Friend: I’ll have the quinoa and grilled tofu lettuce wrap.
Me: I’ll take the MSG platter with a side of gluten.
[Weights bench at the gym]
ME: …327…328…329…
PERSONAL TRAINER: Can you please stop counting ceiling tiles and do some exercise
What fresh Hell is this?!?
Honey Boo Boo changes name to Sugar Scab.
My boss accidentally muted himself on this zoom meeting 20 minutes ago and none of us have told him
just had a dinosaur that we didn’t make show up at our front gate
41 years old and I find myself in the grip of an identity crisis. Do I became a hat guy or a shaved-head guy?
At the store, I selected some tortillas, turned and found a woman strolling wordlessly away with my shopping cart, leading me to the realization I had left MY cart in frozen foods and just casually stolen and done 50 feet of browsing with hers, confirming I am bad at everything.
“It seems like many polls are turning against you. How do you respond?”
TRUMP: They should be sent back to Poland. Very dangerous people.
Camp Detective: [struggling to get out of a hammock] I suppose you’re all – ugh – I suppose you’re all wondering – mmmmph! Goddamit – why I called you here toda- no! Don’t help me I CAN DO IT
The chick at this circus just swallowed a sword and I saw a guy elbow his woman like “see?…”
“Just don’t flip them off, you’ll be fine”
Me, adivising a nervous friend before their job interview
this is what happens when everyone feeds the same stray
*Creates Animals*
God: They’re magnificent.
Angel: Some of ur best work.
Man: Which ones go on pizza?
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yeah
Cop: Oh ok nevermind
[jungle]
Detective: I’d like to ask you some questions about a recent jewel heist.
Ring-tailed lemur: This is profiling.
HER: Mmm you smell good.
ME: Thanks. I use both my nostrils.