her: i only eat like once a day it’s called intermittent fasting
me: oh what do you do the rest of the day?
her: adderall
You Might Also Like
Forgot to pack tights so I’m wearing yoga pants with my dress and a long sweater. I look like a crazy cat lady.
You raise a generation of overthinkers by telling them to put on their thinking caps in second grade, but never to take them off.
Mailboxes were invented so you know how far away you can be in a robe before you look like a mental patient.
“I have no porpoise!” -existential marine biologist.
manning had to write 500 words about thomas edison, he got his 500 word count pretty quickly: When Thomas Edison was 12 Thomas Edison convinced Thomas Edison’s parents to let Thomas Edison start selling newspapers. (the entire paper is like this!!)
I know a bad idea when I see one.
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: With adjectives.
It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.
Them: “Dance like no one is watching.”
Me: *dances*
Them: “WTF is she doing? She knows we can see her, right?”
Why did the chicken go to the gym?
To work on his pecks.
[At a restaurant]
*phone rings*
Ugh, these are way worse than onion rings.
Day 16,607:
Still not stuck on a deserted island, and beginning to lose hope
I bought black-out curtains on Amazon Prime day. It’s noon and my husband is still asleep.
So either he’s dead or they really work. 10/10
My kids re playing Frozen
4 is Anna
6 is Elsa
11 apparently is Sven
Hubs and I are the dead parents so at least we can just lay around and still be considered playing along
No parenting books prepared me for the exhaustion of constantly being excited about the mundane stuff that blows my 4 year old’s mind. Wow, a red pen! Wow, our cat! Wow, a slice of cheese with holes in it!
…..pretty much.
“That looks shiny and clean, I’m gonna touch it a lot.”
– Kids
Ok, I’ll bite
What’s an ab?
Good Cop: step away from the ledge
Cat Cop [pushes person off] oops
Life is short. If you have a crush on someone, walk right up to them then a little past them and just keep going it’s probably not worth it
First child: Eats yogurt.
Second child: Smears yogurt all over face, finger paints with yogurt on table, and gives the dog a moisturizing yogurt mask.
boss asked me to get an accurate headcount and i said pretty sure everyone’s only got one my dude
1st base is watching horror movies together. 2nd base is asking if they think birds are real. 3rd base is determining whether they are prepared for a zombie apocalypse. Home base is abandoning society & moving into the woods together.
Look what the cat dragged in!
*freaks out remembering I don’t have a cat and house was built on top of a pet cemetery*
who needs a boyfriend when you could be surrounded by beautiful lizards, all kinds of lizards, so many lizards
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
Whenever I see someone with spider web tattoos on their elbows I spray them with Raid and attempt to flush them down the toilet.
Just got kicked off a corn forum for saying you can eat the cob. I’ll just sign up with a different name. They can’t silence the truth.
No time to explain get in the wood chipper
If you give a man a fish you kinda suck at picking out gifts.