All these gift wrapping videos going viral as if your kids aren’t going to rip into that shit like feral hyenas finding a half dead zebra during a drought.
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[arguing w girlfriend]
Her: I feel like we have communication problems.
Me: srsly? wow I text u like every day.
Congratulations on angrily speeding past me to get to the red light first. You’re special.
I use my teethbrush then go play feetball and commit arms robbery. Just giving you a head up.
– people with the right amount of body parts
Husband: Why are there two broken condoms on the backseat?
Wife: Please stop calling our kids that.
Me: *leaves body to science*
Science: *starts crying*
Homework. The teachers’ way of knowing how smart the parent is.
People who say ‘be careful what you wish for’ have obviously never wished for free, unprotected, unlimited wifi from their neighbor.
Me: I can’t wait until my kid is grown up and independant.
Also me, an adult: Hi mom. What’s my dentist’s name again?
Me: *brings home new puppy*
My dogs: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!
Do citrus fruits grow better in the limelight?
I wanna see some BUTTS on da dance floor! ONLY butts. Detached from their owners, just kinda in a pile. In the middle. Nice. Good butt pile.
*Me making playground small talk with other parents*
“Congrats on the sex bro”
On HGTV they can flip a house in a month and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
Nice try horror movies, but everyone in my generation is already terrified to answer their phones
*Getting a tattoo*
Me(to tattoo artist)-Do you ever make the bzzz-sounds with your mouth when you’re using a regular pen on your spare time?
Of course when Godzilla destroys the city is the same day I wear flip flops and no belt!
1st wise man: I brought gold for the baby
2nd wise man: [hiding frankincense behind his back] actually that gold is from both of us
her: did you bring protection?
me: of course [into earpiece] if she tries anything, take the shot
My daughter picked up my husbands kettleball and tried swinging it and ended up knocking a hole in the wall. She looks over at me and says, “Is that okay?”
I’m like sure, we always wanted a hole in the wall so go on with ya bad self!
People whose TL is only quotes from famous people—You do realize you’re not a desk calendar, right?
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I just think mosquitos should go vegan and stop eating me alive
Finally I have an excuse for getting fat, heard on radio about girl who been eating in her sleep … That’s it, I’ve got that !
my dentist said I needed an implant and I was like damn I know they’re small but that’s a little harsh
So you’re meant to master things after 10000 hrs of practice and I’ve spent at least that amount of time eating
But I still bite the inside of my mouth
A robin just had chicks in a nest above our garage. Today, her babies were chirping and she just sat on them, and I’m wondering if I can use this method when my kids keep asking for snacks.
I like to put a few lawnmowers in the back of my truck and follow landscapers all day just to make them nervous
[Me]: “I have hat-like reflexes”
[You]: Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
[Me]: *sitting on top of your head* “Nope”
Had a really nice moment this morning with the postman as we held hands through the letterbox. Only slightly ruined by his screaming.
#IStartedLaughingWhen I found out WHY my phone storage was full..