I’m so glad you’re all here. I’d like to talk to you all about a legging candle vitamin jewelry networking opportunity. Please, have a seat.
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Date: I’m not into public displays of affection
Me (trying to impress): I FIND THIS MAN GROTESQUE
I spotted a worm on a busy jogging path, and decided that since all life is precious I ought to move the little guy out of the way so he wouldn’t get trampled. The jogger behind me didn’t see me bend over and flew right over my head and face planted. He’s still alive though, so
Me: you know, it’s only psychosis if it’s from the psychosuisse region of France. otherwise, it’s just sparkling delusions
Nurse: ma’am, it’s time for your medication
I hear the Pink Panther song when I sneak down the hall for a midnight snack..
Cheerleaders:
“U. G. L. Y. YOU AIN’T GOT NO ALIBI, YOU’RE…”{Guidance counselor glares at them}
Cheerleaders:
“… beautiful on the inside…”
*Clap clap*
A baby proofing service where I sic my toddler on your house so you can see exactly where you need to baby proof.
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
Snow white: it’s really starting to get dark in the forest & I’m gettting scared!
Huntsman: How do you think I feel! I’ve gotta find my way back on my own.
If you’re using YOLO to justify doing something stupid, remember you only DIE once too.
Inspirational tweet.
You know when you’ve run out of loo paper and you have to do that little shuffle with your knickers round your ankles…
Thankfully I’m almost at Tesco’s.
All hugs are good hugs except bear hugs. A bear hug is like a regular hug except you die at the end…
c’mon!
Hate eating nachos with someone at the theater and our fingers touch. Especially if I don’t know them, and they don’t know we’re sharing.
I’m glad school taught me the Pythagorean theorem instead of how to do my taxes. It came in really handy this Pythagorean theorem season. 🇺🇸
Boss confused me with another employee and fired me. Then called two days later to fire me for not showing up for 2 days. #HowIGotFired
same energy
What’s your zodiac sign? I’m a banjo wizard.
[job interview]
willy wonka: what experience do you have hiding bodies
oompa loompa: i’m sorry i was told this was for a factory position
3 weeks ago: I can’t get plastic bags for my groceries?!?!! 😠
Today: I can’t get groceries. 😑
*looks up from pestle and mortar
“Powdering this baby is HARD!”
Saw @justinbieber on a piece of toast. Am I going to hell?
I bet there is a Home Alone script where the parents purposely leave for the airport without any of the kids.
Things were going well with my date, until she noticed my Roomba was a Frisbee glued to a bunch of rats
I blink one eye at a time because flying squirrels can attack at any moment.
He asked me to do something freaky in the bedroom so I stayed awake for two days
The average Apple employee works 6 hours longer a day than an Apple battery.
Ginny Weasley: so like what are we?
Harry Potter: [slowly reaches for invisibility cloak]
[me laughing hysterically at a tweet]
Strangers walking by: what is wrong with you
Me: I don’t know