Me: I would literally die for my friends, I love them so much
Therapist: but what about you? Do you love yourself enough to d-
Me: oh I would die for myself too
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I like that all the Ikea instructions illustrations always assume I have a friend.
[War of 1812]
American: Let’s invade the British North.
Other American: Upper or Lower Canada?
A: idgaf
LATER:
None of the parenting books said ANYTHING about having to relearn chemistry at 10 PM.
I will take your secret to the grave. Unless I’m drunk and revealing it will make me popular.
My kid’s favorite thing to dip in ketchup is her sleeve.
I want to see a combination celebrity chef and magician. Like when they put it in the oven it was baked risotto but when they take it out of the oven it’s corn dogs.
I don’t want to alarm anyone but there’s only 365 shopping days left until Christmas
fondly reminiscing about the time i overslept for work by six hours and didn’t get fired
*holds flashlight under chin
Me: suddenly the mystery of…Son: haha Dad has like 3 chins
*drops flashlight
Me: SANTA CLAUS IS FAKE!!
HR: No. 1 asset u would bring to Verizon customer support?
Applicant: Integrity
HR: Seriously?
A: No.
HR: Hired!
Morning.
One of the Covid symptoms is loss of taste so how do La Croix drinkers even know?
If I could travel back in time to change anything I would go back 15 minutes and stop myself from agreeing to play with my toddler.
I’d go for a jog but it’s too [insert current weather].
My daughter is taking a bath and asking me to bring her Camping Barbie and every time I present a Barbie to her she says “No, CAMPING Barbie.” She is growing frustrated. I don’t know what to do. All of the Barbies are naked.
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
Me: What am I going to do with these sick time management skills?
Twitter: hold my beer
Storing photos in our parent’s attic was our cloud in the 20th century.
I got excited when my son joined the cross-country team. But then I learned they don’t cross the country and are back home in a few hours.
GOD: They scared enough?
ANGEL: Not yet
GOD: You got Trump running?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Hurricane?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Ok, send in the clowns.
*swirling hand sanitizer around in a glass like a sommelier* what year is this?
I don’t always leave the house, but when I do I shouldn’t.
just took 3 times my normal dose of adderall finally gonna get to the bottom of this whole amelia earhart thing
Calls for kids: Nobody responds.
Gets on phone: Two kids yelling for me while fighting, the other asking what’s for dinner when it’s 9 am.
I put a message in an empty wine bottle and threw it in the ocean.
It said, “Please refill and return to sender.”
Now I wait.
Not sure how to cuddle propawly
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I’m happy my date didn’t snoop in my medicine cabinet but sad I spent an hour setting up 40 ping pong balls in there for nothing