People complain when my baby is crying and then they complain when I stuff her in the overhead bin, MAKE UP YOUR GD MINDS
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interviewer: can you type fast?
me: yes, that and SEVERAL other words
It’s so weird that we’ve only have one American president named after a cartoon cat.
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
Dream inside a dream
– inceptionInn inside an inn
– innceptionRe: Re:
– receptionRe: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re:
– email from your gran
My daughter, filling out a college app, called me at home to get my home number. Big shout out to the ex-wife for pissing in my gene pool.
“It’s a girl!” but it’s just my family finding out that our dog is not a boy like we thought for the last two months.
Not many people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist that experimented with cadavers.
His name was Frank
Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.
If your family goes to church on Christmas morning, be grateful. This may be your only chance to lock them out of the house.
The water pressure of the hotel shower would best be described as paintball fight.
This is my main handbag, and this is the handbag I have to fit everything that doesn’t fit in my main handbag
He took my last fry, your honor
Failed my Politics exam. “Describe the role that India plays in the modern world”.
Apparently “Tech Support” is not the correct answer.
Me: What’s the worst date you’ve ever been on?
Date: ugh one guy was a total idiot
Me: Did you end it early?
Date: No I wanna finish this dessert
Just accidentally deleted all my contacts. Best day ever.
KANYE: I made Taylor Swift famous
TRUMP: We should ban all Muslims
KANYE: BILL COSBY INNOCENT
TRUMP: THE POPE SUCKS
KANYE: damn ur good
I’m pretty much a SAHM now and someone asked me the other day, “so what do you do with all your free time now?” Ummm, I guess I just nap. And after a long nap, I like to squeeze in a short nap. Then the butler arrives & makes dinner while I ride my unicorn around fairyland.
“Go down, Moses.” And he did. And that’s why the ladies loved him.
My boss calls me “The computer”
Not because of my calculation skills but because I go to sleep when left unattended for 15 minutes.
Someone just told me to tone it down a notch. So disrespectful. I don’t have notches. I’m analog. I’m continuous. We have smidgens. I’ll tone it down a smidgen.
Who called it “falling in love” and not “assisted suicide”?
Dad: People overcome adversity all the time. Look at Beethoven. They told him he was deaf, but did he listen?
Me: *never blinks again*
I’d never impersonate an Uber driver and show up at your house.
That would be crazy.
this burrito is terrible how can you call yourself a barista
*watches The Matrix and just gets increasingly annoyed at how unrealistic it is for Trinity and Neo to wear sunglasses inside*
13yo finally got a ps5, so I only expect to see him at mealtimes or holidays until his 14th birthday
My front facing camera:
Me: I disagree.
Me: *listening to the puppy drink water in the next room* you’re creating urine. Please stop
Me: It’s time for your nap.
6: I don’t wanna take a nap!!
M: First off, don’t talk back to me. Second, I was talking to me.
me, disguised as a lamb: *into earpiece* target is headed to school
spy hq: none suspect you, right?
me: roger
spy hq: keep her in sight
[later]
teacher: mary, does your lamb follow you everywhere you go?
me: i’ve been made
spy hq: abort mission! ABORT!! ABORT!!!