big announcement, i’m working on a new horror property
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Before Calling Me, ask yourself “Is This Textable?”
Keep yourself entertained during quarantine by taking daily mail comments and putting them on New Yorker cartoons to create your own satirical comics.
Good morning to everyone except the sentient computer who locked me out of the space station
Remember, your neighbours aren’t going to be attacked by killer bees on their own. You have to want it. You need to make it happen.
doctor: what’s wrong?
me: nobody can tell the time anymore
doctor: *on the intercom* janice, we’ve got another one, cancel my 38 o’clock
Friend: What’s wrong? Is everything OK?
Me: I don’t want to talk about it.
Also me: [To 20,000 strangers on the internet] you guys ARE NOT going to believe this SHIT
*skinny dips into black hole
Him: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Usually.
My husband: sneezes and starts updating the will and shopping for coffins
Me, on my deathbed: I’m fine, it’s just seasonal allergies.
Don’t judge me because it said “family size” and I ate the whole thing.
It might have been meant for a really small family.
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself, and being tagged in a super unflattering photo.”
[ first day as surgeon ]
me: and now we let the anesthesia set in
patient: do i get some too
My heart says yes, but my ankle monitor says no
The nicest piece of exercise equipment I own is a stationary bike. It’s actually a regular bike, but it never moves because I don’t ride it.
My 4yr old is playing mommy and I just heard her say, “Put your shoes on, dammit!” So now at least I know she hears me when I ask.
Me: how is she?
Dr: well we’ve managed to save the leg
Me: oh thank god
Dr: she died
Me: …
Dr: so do you want the leg or what?
thinking about eating a lot of candy. which i have obtained legaly, through the trick or treat system, for many years
Our wifi is down and I had to fap using only my imagination like some kind of savage 🙁
My mom asked me to pick her up from the airport. I know she raised me, but if I do this, we’re even.
Another impossible beauty standard for women to live up to
Me: I’m gonna go outside and stand in the field
Boss: Haha so we can say you’re “outstanding in your field”
Me: No I want to get hit by lightning
My buddy’s phone autocorrected “wife” to “wide” and now he’s living in my garage.
I planted a whole garden full of bird seed this year and not one bird came up. I quit.
My 4yo may have misunderstood the fire safety information, but that hasn’t dampened his enthusiasm and now he’s walking round shouting “Stop Rock and Roll” like some 1980s puritanical parent.
ME: Mexican food does NOT agree with me
BURRITO: Correct. Your thoughts on middle eastern power structures are banal and imperialist at best
Conversational tip: For every minute that you spend talking about yourself, set aside 10 seconds for the other person to say something; give them time to give you a compliment.
My natural facial expression is that of a slightly pissed off serial killer
*stops lecturing woman in white lab-coat and turns to camera*
“When my doctor first told me I was a ‘mansplainer’, I had a lot of answers.”
Toddler: *5 minutes of incoherent babbling*
Me: Oh yeah?
Show yourself some self-love.
No. Not in public.