You big beautiful cup of coffee.
Come here and tell me lies of how much I will tolerate my coworkers and how much I’ll get accomplished today.
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15: what do you risk becoming from taking drugs….
Me: …addicted
15: what do you risk becoming from smoking cigarettes…
Me: …addicted
15: what smacked you in the face last night?
Me: …go to your room
After 4 hours on this teams meeting I’m not wanting to be a team player anymore
Doctor: “Hey, how are you?”
Patient: “I am good”
Doctor: “Ok. Next.”
[shark tank]
ME: my idea is a length of leather with the entire bible text etched onto it—I call it the saving strap
HOST: have you considered the bible belt
ME: yes we predict good sales there
Eating vegetables after a failed attempt at picking up your shirt with your toes.
*whispers* forlorn corn.
sloth [finally arriving at his prison cell]
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
[at the shooting range]
Recruit: Sir, I missed every target.
Officer: Perfect.
*makes him a stormtrooper*
If you thought your life sucked after I honked at you, wait till I throw up my arms in displeasure.
Dating tip:
Don’t offer to pay.
It’s a sign of weakness.
Build trust through mutual agreement to steal.No one suspects the “happy couple.”
“Pasta la veista, baby”
-Arnold Schwarzenoodles
Once you understand they’re unwilling time travelers dropped here moments earlier, the confused actions of squirrels suddenly make sense.
I take advice from crows because their core strategy of screaming at things and flying away really tracks.
Everyone is thinking about who they’ll kiss at midnight, and all I can think about is meatballs.
[Fortnite with 9]
9 y/o: Dad can I make you party leader?
Me: Sure, why?
9 y/o: So we can have easier matches since you’re so bad.
Saw a guy with flames tattooed all over his face. I hope someday he finds a girl who has marshmallows tattooed all over hers.
Me: It’s hard to stay mad at a guy who shows up with pizza instead of a lame bunch of flowers.
Domino’s Delivery: Listen lady I’ve only been late one time.
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR!What my kids heard:
Pour another bowl of cereal & watch TV.
I always take the high road, because the colors are more psychedelic and sometimes you see a unicorn.
professor: there are no stupid questions
me: if i ate myself would i disappear or be twice as big
professor:
me:
professor: there is one stupid question
I want to meet the individual who made this
My husband is on the roof – only a few inches away from an insurance claim that could completely change my life.
Why are you even asking me that mom. I love jumping off bridges, either by myself or as a group, you know that.
Christmas was ruined for me when my dad dressed up like Santa, got stuck in the chimney and his body blocked the real Santa from getting in
Imagine me naked.
Wrong. Fatter.
Look, you can tell me what to do in an emergency and that’s fine, but I’m going to do what I do best, and that is panic.
Google Search:
-is my toaster broken
-can fire ants make toast
-bathtub fire, small
-house fire, how to stop
-is house fire toast a thing?
Two bacteria walk into a bar. The bartender says, “We don’t serve bacteria here.”
And the bacteria says, “But we work here. We’re staph.”