A faucet is just a vertical treadmill for a tiny jesus
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The only person who might be able to conclusively prove I’m not Batman is Batman. And until he does, the jury is out.
Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
What, this is my emotional support rabid wolf
Geez man, take it easy.
Teens, you should not being getting drunk. You’re annoying enough as it is
The Breakfast Club: (1985) (1hr 37 mins) Not a single breakfast is had. Barely a club. Misleading. 1/10
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
[Hot Wheels cars zooming through entire house] “I SWEAR TO GOD KAREN IF YOU DISCONNECT ANY PART OF THIS TRACK I’M DIVORCING YOU”
Eatіng іn bed іs much better. Everythіng’s a napkіn.
Meanwhile at the Maternity Ward…
What flavor cupcake are these
my dodgeball record is now up to 65-0 against my 5 and 6 year old.
Walked into the kitchen and saw my wife laughing while putting a banana in the garbage disposal so I think I’ll sleep in the other room.
In my late forties, I now find myself with gray hair, a delightful assortment of aches and pains, and surprisingly strong opinions on decorative throw pillows.
me: if i had a time machine i’d eat dinner again
friend: so go back for seconds?
me: no probably longer than that
“You know…”
[takes drag of cigarette]
“That energy bar is full of sugar”
[exhales]
I give everyone nicknames because using real names is for people who can remember people’s names.
I met my wife while on holiday. Which was awkward, as I’d told her I was going to a funeral.
Me: The only thing I’m guilty of is starting singalongs
Judge: And that you killed a man
Me: put a gun against his head
Jury: pulled my trigger now he’s dead
Judge: mama
Yelling “wooooo” when the singer says the name of your town is what separates us from the animals.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is problematic
me: then maybe give me a different word
What do people in non-baseball countries call second base?
Real women have curves!!! Real women have spirals!!! Real women are plump and covered in a creamy sauce wait nope thinkin of pasta
why can’t there be a school picture package with only 1 big picture and 3 medium ones? has anyone in existence used up 52 wallet sized pics of their kids?
My friend’s DoorDash was stolen by a raccoon right after the same thing happened in Florida and I think we might have an orca situation going on here.
It’s adorable when my mom says “It’s your mom” on my voicemail like I’ve never heard her voice before.
A Tinder style app that helps parents find other parents to drink with
IF THEY’RE THE GREATEST GENERATION WHY CAN’T EITHER OF MY PARENTS REMEMBER THEIR FACEBOOK PASSWORDS?!
♫ Why do birds suddenly appear, every time you are near? Just like me, they long to be… ♫
Wait, hang on…my bad, those are vultures.
Whenever I get a “Final Notice” letter from a bill collector, I assume this concludes our business transaction.