I think Tuesdays are worse than Mondays.
You can’t use “It’s Monday” as an excuse.
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SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE PREGNANT LADIES GETTING READY FOR THE BIG WEEKEND COMING UP !!!
#labordayweekend
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the night of the 3rd?”
Stabbing a homeless man.
“Louder for the tape?”
Wrapping a boneless ham. As a gift.
There once was a man on zoom
Whose stomach had started to fume
He really had to toot
Forgot to hit mute
A problem when your living room is also the conference room
[having sex]
HER: tell me your fantasies
ME: I wish I was a dragon
HER: no, I mean-
ME: but instead of fire I breathe jelly beans
We don’t thank them enough for it, but it was really cool that the Black Eyed Peas realized what they were doing was wrong and stopped.
“This undercooked pasta is an absolute car crash”
What do you mean?
“It’s all denty”
(at the doctor)
Can u cough for me?
*coughs*
Can u exhale for me?
*exhales*
Can u make kissy noises?
*kissy noises*
Can you beatbox at my wedding? the dj backed out.
Me: Yeah, mosquitos always loved me. Your grandpa used meat tenderizer on my bites.
Son: Wow. That’s harsh.
M: I think because there’s salt in it.
S: Oh! The seasoning! I thought he actually used a meat mallet on you!
M: Umm…no…
Guy at the urinal next to me was pee moaning so loud, I thought he was going to breakout into an Adele song.
Them: What’s wrong with you?
Me: *gets them a chair and puts on the kettle*
People who camp are like, “But camping is so much fun!” and then tell you a story about how they had to fight a raccoon at 2 AM.
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
One of the scariest things is when you say something that forces your wife to take off her glasses before she responds.
If you’re smuggling booze into a concert, put the bottle under a handful of tampons and go to the young male bag checker. they get embarrassed and immediately close your bag. works every time — even more so if you’re a dude
“You have such a great personality”
Me: Thanks, I collect them.
Facebook Twitter
It’s only a matter of time before the zombies are afraid to eat our brains because we’re such idiots.
[Rock Paper Scissors]
Rock: As if a scrap of paper could hurt me.
*Paper unfolds itself, revealing a message*
YOUR PARENTS NEVER LOVED YOU
Cop: you get one phone call
me: [dials 911] help
I just got a text from an ex telling me he wanted to “reach out.” This isn’t a work email buddy.
A pasta maker is just a Play-doh toy for adults.
The grass in my backyard is growing flowers which means I am either really good or really bad at taking care of my yard.
waiter: would you like to know the one thing on the menu we’re out of tonight?
me: no no I’ll find it thanks
My boss said he likes how I remain so calm under pressure. Can’t tell him it’s because I don’t give a shit
If you are really good at comedy you can make $250 writing for a multimillionaire.
[stewardess]
“Sir, even if you ARE, as you say, the REAL Slim Shady- the captain has asked for all passengers to remain seated at this time”
I forgot the word “memorial” so I called it a dead person shout out.
[watching Tangled with my Daughter]
Daughter: dada
Me: yes?
Daughter: do you think Rapunzel buys her shampoo at Costco?
Me: I mean-I do now.
Is it wrong to make change from the collection plate? Asking for a friend.