You get home from work early. You walk into the kitchen and your dog is peeling a potato. Startled, she yells “IT’S JUST A POTATO!”
#ambien
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Pulled off my t-shirt too fast and made my glasses disappear. I’m now available for bookings.
Twitter: What do our users want?
Users: An edit button and relief from spam/abuse.
Twitter: Novella-length Tweets it is!
My boss told me I scare and intimidate people including my co-workers
so I challenged him to a staredown.
just shot off an email a split second before I realized I said “lick the link below”
I wear a mask in public, not only because the vast majority of doctors say it’s safe and an effective way to combat COVID-19, but also to hide my second chin.
“I make everything sad, but I’ll class your shit up.” – Violins
Call me when they release “Barbie vs. Godzilla.”
Boobytrap backwards is partyboob.
Moving on.
Might be time to get in shape. Halfway up these stairs and I’m considering setting up base camp and trying again in the morning.
My 2-year-old refused to brush her teeth because a towel was in the wrong spot.
I calmly explained to her that the position of the towel didn’t matter and that she needed to brush her teeth no matter what.
Just kidding.
I moved the damn towel.
Cyber Monday is probably my favorite holiday to get paid to do my Christmas shopping at work.
Goodnight stars. Goodnight air. Goodnight 30-50 feral hogs everywhere
The internet is undefeated.. 😂
Clitorusaurus: A dinosaur never discovered by man
Don’t make me take off my belt because then my pants would fall down and my body looks like an egg on toothpicks.
Past is the past, it’s all gravy under the bridge.
Hello drunk cooking, my old friend.
It’s nice to hear the smoke alarm again.
That tweet is awesome. You guys are awesome. Twitter is awesome. I’ve made awesome friends on Twitter. A thesaurus would be awesome.
Shout out to the zillow listing where someone was just like eff it, the giant bottle of vodka stays in the kitchen pic
Dracula: you will become a creature of the night. Not alive, but not dead. You will thirst for blood and haunt the land for eternity
Me: but I can play video games all the time, forever?
Dracula: in theory…yes
Me: ok let’s do this
Exhausted Parent PSA-
The chance you could mistake a raw chicken sausage for a banana when making a smoothie is small, but not zero.
As I was being put under for my colonoscopy, I apparently announced to the room, “Y’all are in for a real treat” and then passed out. 😭😭😭
when you came back from the bathroom and your younger sibling had taken your spot on the couch
*trying to write a journal article*
*submits a manuscript that just says “around the world” 144 times because it worked for Daft Punk*
People who shower together but don’t have sex they actually just shower, those are the terrorists. Real boring, uptight, stupid terrorists.
“This shirt that the team was wearing smells disgusting. I need to find an appropriate state to name it after.”
-Inventor of the jersey
In honor of the striking writers and actors, I won’t post anything good here starting in 2016.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
RACE CAR NOISES!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM??
NEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
over-40 lifehack: if you go every 6 months instead of annually, they only give you a semicolonoscopy
I just battle rapped my 4 year-old and rhymed “take a nap” with “piece of crap” so don’t tell me about your parenting skills.