Forget ‘Drive like your kids live here,’ drive like you have 4 large diet cokes on your passenger seat
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If I had a nickel for every time I got confused, I’d be like “where’d this nickel come from?” and then there’d be another nickel and I’d think “what’s with the nickels?” leading to more nickels and confusion and eventually I’d be slowly crushed by nickels without ever knowing why
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *furiously trying to swallow a mouthful of mattress tag stickers* no
Roses are red,
I love mashed potato.
Poetry is hard,
laminator.#PoetryDay
[deathbed]
ME: Dear?
WIFE: I’m here…don’t worry, all your affairs are in order
ME: You found out about my affairs?
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
I will let someone cut the line I’m waiting in, but only if they let me braid their hair from behind.
My new refrigerator beeps when the door has been left open for too long and so when I’m looking for lunch now I always feel attacked.
My grandparents worked hard to make sure their kids had everything and I’m working hard and not having kids to make sure I keep everything.
COME TO ME JOURNALBOT
*Journalbot enters my study*
ok write this down: Polar bears are bear ghosts. “polargeists”
[very sad robot noises]
The older you get the only functions you attend are bodily..
A Tinder style app that helps parents find other parents to drink with
Dance like theres no tomorrow OH MY GOD THERES NO TOMORROW WHY ARE WE DANCING
me: let’s get some gorilla glue
horse: oh thank god
My television roles include “Fleeing Suspect” on Season 3 of Cops and “Jubilant Non Father” on Season 7 of the Maury Povich Show.
Pay no attention to the man behind the crouton!
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something constructive like IS THAT WHAT YOU’RE WEARING?
My wife just apologised to me for the first time in years!!!
Her: I’m sorry but you’re wrong.
Guys don’t want sex, guys want to watch a thousand movies starring Jason Statham as a former elite special forces assassin who’s trying to leave his past behind but is called back for one last job
Today I’m approaching teens dressed like I’m from the future, locking eyes, and saying “Happy Presidents Day, sir” with a wink
Me: how about if I scrunch down a little more
DMV Photographer: you absolutely cannot have your horse in this picture
[commercial]
“Is there a dull film on your dishes?”
Me: [looking closely] Holy shit is that The English Patient?
My cat hates fireworks because he can’t stand the thought of children enjoying themselves.
[doc walks in holding up my X-rays with one hand & giving a thumbs down with the other]
Bad news, pal. You’re a skeleton.
I burn microwave popcorn in the break room at work to get back at those who always warm up fish leftovers
You can put refrigerator magnets on your car, too. There are no rules.
🙌🏻😂😂😭🤣
When you’re 8 and show up in an ugly rubber witch mask to trick or treat with your friends and they’re all dressed up as pretty princesses.
That’s me in a nutshell.
Me: Hey, do you want to –
My 13 Year Old: No.
I bumped into a VERY handsome man on the tube platform and now we’re on the train together and i can’t wait to steal furtive glances at him until I get to my stop and do absolutely nothing more about it
Who needs a bull in a china shop when you have a 2-year-old contemplating Grandma’s figurine collection?
watching seinfeld on netflix, recalling the time in india when a seinfeld episode came on my host family’s tv and i said “ooh everyone watch this, this is my culture” and it was the one where george’s fiancee dies from licking all the wedding envelopes and they were horrified