Me: I have lots of black pants because they are so versatile and go with everything.
Also, me: I cannot wear that yellow shirt with black pants because I will look like a bumble bee.
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I just saved a ton of money by using my Pizza Hut points to order free pizza- earned from the ton of money I spent on previously ordered pizza.
These are troubling times, but as an incredibly drunk philosopher once said, “you can’t make lemonade without breaking a few eggs”
CEO: We need to come up with a brand name for these sticks of bread.
Guy who named the meatball: *takes deep breath
I’m an ass man, myself. 100% ass. Made of ass & butts & that’s it. This thing that looks like a face? Ass. These fists? Little butts. Hi.
[first date]
DATE: so you love dogs?
ME: yes, I relate to them very much
DATE: aww that’s swee-
[a fly buzzes my head and I try to bite it]
Don’t forget to contemplate the meaning of life while standing in the cycle lane with your car door wide open today.
Romeo and Juliet is not a love story. It’s a 3-day relationship between a 13-year-old and a 17-year-old that cause 6 deaths.
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
Gonna start posting empty plates on Instagram with the caption “this was really good”
[my first day as a bank teller]
guy comes up to window: i’m here to make a withdrawal
me: i’ll need to see some ID sir
guy [pulls out gun]: here’s my ID
me: umm, sir, that’s not ID. that’s a gun [turning to coworker] is this guy an idiot?
guy: no, i’m saying, this is a robbery
me: no, sir. this is a bank [turning to coworker] is this dude for real?
we paid junk removal services come to take some old mattresses and stuff out of my parents’ basement and my sister overheard the guys whispering to each other “man it looks like The Conjuring down here”
Me:Come in. It’s not like I’m a serial killer.
Him:*laughs nervously*
Me: *laughing* u have to murder more than 2 ppl for it to be serial
Dr: If you want to lose weight, you need to do things that’ll make you sweat.
Me: *applies for a loan*
genie: hello-
me: i wish for a goth figure skater to get into the olympics and do a routine to welcome to the black parade
His arrival was foretold in the ancient murals.
EXPLORER: so we found all this new land
KING: Sweet What did you name it?
E: Newfoundland
K[rubbing bridge of nose]: Guards, execute him
[first date]
I just love that you are a normal, cool girl.
*subtly slides macaroni art of your face back under my chair*
-Yeah, totally.
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
HR: I’m afraid that’s not proper corporate dress code.
ME: *taking off wetsuit* casual Friday is bullshit then.
Me: I’m in tears
Bored people on the internet: DO YOU KNOW HOW OFFENSIVE THAT IS TO PEOPLE WITH DRY EYE??
Yesterday was the shortest day of the year until I read your blog.
Sometimes, I just want to be taken seriously. And sometimes, I just want to be taken, seriously.
When I say “seriously!” with either of the eyebrows raised, it could be a thinly disguised euphemism for wtf!!!
It’s my birthday!
This loopy thing is my gift to you 🎈
My stupid belt shrunk again today.
“My wife and I are SO in love. Always finishing each other’s…”
(silence)
(silence)
*Russian accent* “You give me Green Card now, yes?”
robber: be cool this is a robbery
me: [unbuttons the top three buttons of my shirt]
“I’ll be back for you real soon” I whisper to the leftover lasagne
Spider-Man reboots should start with the previous actor biting the new one as the origin story.