Why did Norway put barcodes on their military boats?
So they could…..Scan da Navy in!
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imagine a dolphin. now imagine a small dog. folks there is plenty more where that came from
my dentist called to tell me they overcharged me by $150 on my last visit which was cool at first but then i remembered that i only paid $130 for that visit and now i’m like, damn, how bad did they **** up my teeth that they were somehow supposed to owe me $20?
When your computer’s memory runs out that’s ramnesia
me: I Love You!!
oldest: I love you too!!
middle: *silence*
youngest: Thank you.
HYPNOTIST: YOU ARE FEELING SLEEPY
ME: kinda safe bet there
HYPNOTIST: YOU WILL DANCE LIKE AN OCTOPUS
ME: again, still no surprises.
Welcome to twitter, the support group for people who like people who don’t like people.
Me: Please throw your trash away.
Child: I’m too tired!!
Same child 5 min later: [does nonstop super sprints at the park for 3 plus hours]
*eating lawn mower parts*
what, it’s grass fed
DOCTOR: “Ok, now PUSH!”
WOMAN IN LABOUR: “Should I be doing this in my state?”
DR: [leaning out of car window] “Less talky, more pushy.”
Good Cop: If you confess now, you’ll probably just get probation.
Fad Cop: Hey Macarena!
I got bit by an Amazon box. Every full moon I turn into a werehouse.
Megan, but with an H? Whatever you say, girls named Hmegan.
[whispering to my wife with tears in my eyes as we watch our daughter’s piano recital] She’s terrible
[date]
Me, struggling to pronounce things on the menu: I’ll just have the chicken nouj-
Date: nuggets
Congratulations to the people who never took their Christmas decorations down you’re almost there
When my wife asks me to get her something from her giant purse, it’s always “Check the big pocket. No the side pocket. Wait, the medium pocket on the inside. Maybe the other side pocket. Did you check the big pocket?”
Doing more laundry today, seems I have more people living here than I can actually see.
It tastes fantastic but it takes forever to make. What should we call it? A trifle? Yeah, that makes sense.
Me: I made a perfect napping spot just for you
My cat: no thank you, I would rather be uncomfortable than do anything you suggest
I just reached in my purse for a pen and found a full 4 pack chicken nugget box from McDonalds.
So I get it, squirrels. I get it.
My boyfriend woke up this morning with a huge smile on his face. I love sharpies
Emma Stone is my girlfriend. Nobody tell her, though. I want it to be a surprise.
Her: Why do you have a copy of 50 Shades of Grey in your bathroom? Perv!
Me: Oh. No that’s just for when I run out of toilet paper.
Should I buy a pizza? Heads I do, tales I ignore the coin.
Barista: “Welcome to Starbucks!”
Me: “Large coffee please.”
B: “It’s venti!”
Me: “Then close all the windows after you get my large coffee.”
I wanna see this movie: begins with a car chase, but after the cars destroy a fruit stand, the rest of the film follows that fruit stand’s enraged owner as she takes revenge on the drivers. Walks the land, killing action heroes & villains, in the name of fruit stands everywhere
Cake!!
Me: I always start eating a bunny by biting the ears clean off.
Her: That’s not unusual – I think most people like to eat chocolate bunnies that way.
Me: Chocolate?
“I’m gonna put this somewhere safe” is an ancient incantation that opens a portal to a random point in another timeline, through which all safely kept things travel, never to be seen again.
Qsieowrrtpd
That’s me picking off pieces of quinoa from my iPad