[at a bar]
*creepy dude is hitting on me*
Me: you wanna get outta here?
Him: yeah
Me: cool. I would love it if you left.
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I’m brimming with meh today. I’m a lethargic ball of unbridled unenthusiasm
[400 pages into a fantasy book] ok there is no way this is real
The only reason they’re called “jellyfish” is that ‘discarded grocery bags of death’ was considered “too wordy”.
Anyone can beat a polygraph.It doesn’t even have hands.
remembering the time i crashed an oscar watching party with a handful of TV people in los feliz and brought a tres leches cake as my offering to have one of the actors stand up and declare it was “DAIRY” with a measure of disgust
Finally got my treadmill setup. I can start making excuses why I’m not using it starting tomorrow.
date: so… you just adopted 3 little kindergarteners as your children?
professor utonium: no, no that’d be crazy. they came out of a soup I made in my basement
You gotta sprinkle in a few yeahs with those uh huhs or else they’re gonna know
If you’re dying, and have recently lost your car keys, take the opportunity, as your life flashes before your eyes, to try to spot them!
Shopping- don’t do it on an empty stomach
Swimming- don’t do it on a full stomach
Blowing raspberries- don’t do it on a stranger’s stomach
Dog finds the fluffiest dogs in daycare, so he can nap on them.. 😊
Just another unrealistic body expectation for women
being in a hamock is so comfortabel bc it replicates our condition before birth: being caried to earth inside the beak of a giant pelican
Her: Does your dog do any tricks?
Me: I taught him to lie on the bed
Her: That’s not impressive lol
Dog: *gets on bed* I wrote Harry Potter
Nobody is as conflicted as a Jewish zombie about to eat Kevin Bacon.
*Listening to red hot chili peppers*
Me: You call that music? I can’t even hear anything!
Worker: Sir, stop putting produce to your ear.
Never mess with a drunken pig.
*feeds you Cheetos while running my fingers through your hair*
It’s adorable when I bring workout clothes on a trip to Miami like I’m not just going to eat, drink, and sleep.
I worked at Subway many years ago and one night a lady brought in her own cheese for me to use on her sub
I don’t work for the health department so I did it anyway
*plane crashes in ocean*
*washes ashore island*
*imprisoned by crabs*
*rises to become Crab Emperor*
*assassinated by most trustworthy crab*
Me: Congrats! I heard you got married again
Her: Sorry I didn’t invite you. It was a small ceremony
Me: Its ok. I’ll go to your next one
Miniature Donkeys escaped out of the fence and are heading to town and I’m pretty sure the damn cat orchestrated the entire plan.
my doctor refuses to fight me and i think it’s cause he saw how i barely cried during my flu shot
“Morning guys”
“HOLY SHIT IT’S SUPERMAN!”
– Clark Kent’s first day at work wearing contact lenses
Me: *pours 3rd glass of wine at dinner*
My organs: We strike at dawn.
My theory is that the captain of the Titanic crashed on purpose because the band kept playing songs off their new album
* on my death bed
Me: One thing I want you to do for me…
Wife: Name it?
Me: I want you to marry Larry.
Wife: (pause)You sure? I thought you hated Larry?
Me: I do.
First rule of being Italian is to tell everyone you’re Italian.
(I can say this cause I’m Italian.)
Are you there God? It’s me, Margaret.
YES MY CHILD
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