[meeting]
DIRECTOR: I want amazing CGI
PRODUCER: Yes!
D: A huge cast
P: Agreed!
D: Realistic family photos
P: We don’t have the budget
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You can tell you’re dealing with a professional by the way they carry on an entire conversation without ever taking the cigarette out of their mouth.
I hate it when my Wife says that we need to talk.
It’s always “What’s wrong with you?” and never about sports, beer or bikini models.
The Shining is my favorite Christmas movie about enjoying quality time with the family when you’re snowed in.
“Give me a positive adjective…”
“Splendid.”
“Nice. Now how about a negative adjective?”
“Splendidn’t.”
Wife: Sarah’s husband gives her flowers EVERY day. I wish you’d do that!
Me: uh ok[next day]
Me *giving Sarah flowers* no I don’t get it either
He wants my carcasses apparently.
I think autocorrect won that round.
Internal monologue during wedding vows: *Did she just say ‘resistance is futile’?*
one time while we were eating dinner my uncle suddenly ran into our house & told us that he just ate a whole apple pie & needed to hide out for a few hours. a few minutes later a bunch of cop cars raced by
Caesar: friends, Romans countryman lend me your ear…
[2 days later]
*Caesar opens mailbox*
“oh FFS Van Gogh IT’S A SAYING!!!!!’
As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices – take it or leave it.
Be a good dad
When your son wants to play catch, do it
When he needs a hug, give one
When he wants to play drums, tell him his mom said no
“Endless shrimp” sounds nice until you realize they are serious. It’s a threat. The shrimp will never stop.
Just before bed my 1yo ever so gently kissed her baby doll, softly placed it in the oven of her play kitchen, and closed the door. I’d say big sister practice is going pretty well.
Costco often changes the floor plan to keep the animals engaged as they search for their next meal.
Yet another unrealistic beauty standard smh
Judge: You have power of attorney?
Me:*curling two briefcases* Pfft. What do you think, bruh?
My mom making me come say hi to somebody I “knew” as a baby
I told my 2yo I was coming to his preschool holiday party and he looked really worried and said, “but what chair will you sit in?” Glad to know anxiety about literally nothing is genetic.
Him “You run like a gazelle.”
Me “I’m graceful?”
Him “No. You’d be easy prey for a mountain lion.”
ok children, just to recap today’s lesson, let’s now repeat all the words you are not supposed to say.
Interviewer: “Are you good at making snap decisions?”
*20 minutes later*
Me: “No.”
Cake is healthy because it’s baked and not fried
[first date]
me: are you a reader?
date: omg i love reading
me: [handing her my menu] thank god
her: did you bring protection?
me: of course [into earpiece] if she tries anything, take the shot
There’s a special hole in my backyard for people to hit me in the back of the ankles with a shopping cart.
My wife says I can’t be a Twitter Dom until I finish my chores.
Spoiler Alert: In the season finale of Game of Thrones, YOU die.
My little girl buried a 25 cents and said she’s growing a money tree.
I laughed but secretly water it every day just in case..
Children look up to me. They say “Hey mister why are ya sleepin in that tree?”
dave is coming over
“normal dave or dave whos alwayes doing impressions of evrybody we know”
[from outside] hi guyes, its normal dave
“noooo