What do you mean I overthink things (as I wonder if I hurt my dog’s feelings by liking cat videos on Instagram)?
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[blind date]
HER: I’m a light eater
ME {trying to impress her}: I once swallowed a halogen bulb
Best thing for your hangover…me playing “My Heart Will Go On” for you on the kazoo.
Look, I’m not saying he’s a bad dentist. I’m just saying maybe you should check his references.
Do you ever follow accounts blindly and then find yourself in bad poetry or emu farmer Twitter?
How many days should i wait before i call my senator, i don’t want to seem desperate
Roses are infrared
Violets are infrared
I’m hunting you for sport
And soon you’ll be dead-a valentine from the Predator
Owen Wilson has made around $217,838,000 from his movies. He averages around 3500 words per movie in 47 movies. That’s about $1,324 per word. “Wow” was 102 of those words. Owen Wilson has made roughly $135,072 from saying wow goodnight twitter
Just threw out my back getting the cool side of the pillow and I’m pretty sure the cat is laughing at me.
I’m not saying I’m an idiot…
But if some village comes looking…tell them you never saw me.
“I promise to defend you from a zombie apocalypse or alien invasion, but if it’s a werewolf attack, it’s every man for himself.”
“The bride has also written her own vows.”
What’s the difference between a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos, and a sock takes five toes
I hope my company doesn’t😂😂
My internet has been out for 24 hours and now my kids are moving out.
That was easy.
Overheard This Weekend
Boy: Babe comes over to my place.
Gal: what do you want us to do?
Boy: Just to chill
Gal: I don’t chill. That’s how people end up with chill-dren!
Pronounce it “Valentimes Day” so Cupid will know to shoot you right in your stupid face.
I like telling people to “grow up” because even if they hate me I can visit them ten years later and say “Took my advice I see”
I’m not saying murder is the answer, but every time an ex dies, so do some of your darkest secrets.
Thanks for wishing me a Happy Monday, you’ve changed my entire outlook. I don’t hate Monday anymore. I hate you. Happy New Sworn Enemy.
I’m going to buy a house near the St. Louis Airport and paint “Welcome to chicago” on my roof to confuse people who are about to land.
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
If I owned a moving company, I’d call it ‘Van Gogh.’
(Overheard in Connecticut)
“Why is the flag at the bank flying at half staff?”
“Maybe because the market has been going down?”
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
People with nuclear weapons are now effectively calling each other poopy pants. I’m gonna stop coming to work now.
My great grandmother used say that things were better in Russia before the revolution, but I think she was being Tsarcastic.
[god creating raccoons]
Take a cat and make him look like he’s committing crimes
Gen Z have no idea how easily accessible music is. I once had to jump off a bridge and narrowly avoid a moving truck to hear Bon Jovi play their latest song Its My Life
Never use profanity. Unless you live on the East Coast. Where it is considered punctuation and shit.
Wife: How is he?
Doctor: To be honest, he’s like a fish out of water
Wife: He’s in unfamiliar surroundings?
Doctor *pushes glasses up nose* he’s dead