I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me
now.But no, she’s still alive.
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I asked my dog to marry me and he said no. I am stuck in man’s best friendzone.
I’m not sad, I’m big moaned
Doc: How much exercise you get in a week?
Me: Does sex count?
Doc: Yes
Me: None
My finances would be a lot better if ATMs would ask me what I need the money for and then look at me disapprovingly before giving me half.
Aging is like oh look a new cute freckle on the palm of my hand is it cancer
Who the hell buys furniture online? Why would you buy a chair or couch you can’t even sit in? What if it has burlap cushions stuffed w/hay?
100% of car accidents happen within exactly five miles of something. If you’re within five miles of anything right now, move.
Him: Where’d you get your red hair from?
Me: A box.
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
Friend just told me she got a hair trim for $80. Told her my dog groomer would’ve bathed her, clipped nails & emptied anal glands for less.
It’d be nice if the married people would leave some of the single people for the rest of the single people.
I have a sixth sense of humor. I laugh at dead people.
6: I’m done.
Me: you didn’t even touch your food!
6 pokes food w/finger *without breaking eye contact*
The Sass is strong with this one
Two squirrels in the park were going at it on a tree trunk. And there wasn’t any sensitive content warning.
God: Another epidemic will be unleashed on them for I am not pleased.
Angel 1: A drought?
Angel 2: A famine?
God: Release the Murder Hornets, right now!
A1: During the plague?
A2: Savage AF.
[MURDER SCENE]
ME: It’s a pretty open and shut case, Chief
CHIEF: For the last time, stop admiring the luggage the victim was found in and take a DNA sample
I wore skinny jeans once, it looked like when you try to get a tent back in a bag and give up half way
I used the word pizza six times in my marriage vows.
ME *puts honey on toast*
SON: Daddy, did you know bees make that?
ME: Yeah of course[Later]
ME [to date] Did you know bees make toast?
The British are coming! The British are coming! The British have to get up early! The British swear they’ll call you in the morning!
new dad Todd: lol check out what I did with my baby
friend: lmao dude did you actually put him in a treetop
Todd: lmao the wind rocks him so I don’t have to
friend: yo what if the bough breaks or some shit hahaha
Todd (suddenly serious): bro why would you even say that
I haven’t showered I’m wearing my clothes from yesterday I will undoubtedly run into someone I know at the store as I run in for milk.
i am against victim blaming except for when someone loses their sunglasses in the ocean
Me: [missing for 24hrs]
Wife: huh, wonder where he is
Son: been quiet
Daughter: has he been gone?
Guy Who Owns Liquor Store Down The Street: [bursts in thru front door] OMG IS GRANT OK
Gmail: Someone has signed into your account!
Me: Yeah that was me
Gmail: No it was on another device!
Me: Yes my tablet
Gmail: Someone stole your tablet?!
Me: what no
Gmail: CALL THE POLICE
Doctor: so your blood type is-
Vampire: ALL of them
Me, to a perfectly white puppy: please try to stay clean
Him, 5 min later, having tried his best:
Him: So, it cost me my life savings and all my inheritance but you’re worth it, I booked us a trip on Virgin Galactic
Me: Umm…when I said I wanted space…
*hears dogs bark*
“I’ve been caught stealing
once when I was 5.”
Have my doubts about this “smart water,” considering how easily it’s captured and bottled.