man: hello I want a drugs
dealer: are you the cops?
man: [puts on sunglassss] I am not cop
dealer: are you sure!
man: [puts on more sunglasses] I am not cop
dealer: here are four drugs
man: [puts on cop sunglasses] I am cop
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If I come home from work and my wife is gone, I always think the worst has happened. I forgot something she said we were doing that night.
THE AUDACITY. 😤
I’ve been in Hawaii for a week & have learned that 99% of life’s problems can be solved by throwing a coconut at it
I tell people “I’m here to raise awareness” because I successfully spliced a werewolf and the lochness monster.
I think the elementary school music teacher was overly optimistic when she said we may recognize this next song.
[Calls boss]
I’m gonna be late…
“How late?”
*Cut to me trapped inside a tiny house made from Lego*
I’ve no idea to be honest with you…
me: omg I cannot WAIT for summer
also me: omg I’m soooo hot I am DYING
Her: I hate organized religion
Me *trying to unnoticeably re-jumble my religion drawer*: psh, oh yeah, me too
tensing up so the masseuse doesn’t win
[giving grandmother’s eulogy]
But on the plus side, that’s the fastest she ever got down the stairs.
Please stop throwing my only possession.
~dogs everywhere
Is there anything more infuriating than the text you get confirming you’ve unsubscribed from the text chain you just unsubscribed from?
The best sick burn I ever dispensed was when I showed up to eat on a patio with a group and I had an umbrella and a girl said “don’t be such a pessimist!” and I responded “I’m not a pessimist, I just know how to read a weather report” and then stared at her.
[First day as a waiter]
Customer: Are your burgers 100% certified ground beef?
Me: duh cow’s can’t fly you idiot
Game of Thrones, at its core, has always been a show about how much it sucks to be a horse
“I now pronounce you lunch and dinner.”
Sometimes you just gotta be happy the kid is vacuuming her own room and overlook the fact that she’s making figure 8s
Trail Mix should just be called “Dig around until you find the M&M’s”
Tattoos tell a story, like tribal tattoos tell a story of a guy that wears sunglasses indoors.
Halloween costumes
Age 10: monster
Age 25: sexy fireman
Age 35: sexy mobilization to end systematic oppression of underrepresented groups
My pet toddler is scratching at the door again.
For my niece’s 7th birthday, I’m filling a pinata with a smaller pinata. When she breaks it open I’m gonna yell “Oh God! She was pregnant!”
[job interview]
What experience do you have plucking chickens?
Me: See all those hairs on my chin?
No.
Me: Exactly.
[me at my dumbest texting my friend]: u left your phone at my house
*bitten by radioactive penguin
*gains ability to not fly
Seven years ago THIS was all we had to worry about.
flight: scheduled to depart at 3 pm
my parents at 4 am:
I’ll go first…
Bad Boys. 😏
Set your phone alarm to a song you hate. You won’t hit snooze, because then you’d have to hear Nickelback again.
Headed to police station to go through mugshots for a date tonight. I don’t trust ChristianMingle.