I get real disrespectful with serving sizes. A bag is not gonna tell me what to do.
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4: mom can I sing just a short song?
me: yes
4: ok its only just three hours long I promise
narrator: it was in fact, only just three hours long
i feel sorry for people who say things like less is more because they’ve obviously never had sex or french fries
Legend has it that if you don’t look a coworker in the eye they won’t stop to tell you about their weekend.
Your Honor the defense rests. They are so tired. Aww they look like angels when they sleep. Kinda makes u forget about the double homicide
I love when the GrubHub delivery drivers try to look sexy in their profile pics… Like, I don’t know what you think is going to happen, but I’ll be honest, I want my pizza far more than I’ll ever want you.
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
I’ve sustained two tea-pouring injuries so far this week. Suffice it to say I won’t be moving to London anytime soon.
Another wooden ball!!! Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?? I have like 12 already
Her : I like you
Me : You’re mistaken
I wish my wife’s milkshakes brought the boys to the yard. I need someone to rake the leaves.
If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.
You and what army? That should be your first question to the HOA.
[presses every button in elevator] here’s how Michael Bay ruined the ninja turtles
*lil wayne begins typing lyrics into mocrosoft word*
*paperclip pops onto screen*
Do you mean “digger”?
Police: Cover me
Rookie: ok [pulls out guitar] Every little thing she does is magic
I started an argument in a Yahoo! chat room back in 1999 that is still going on.
Everyone wants to know WHO’S the killer but no one wants to know HOW’S the killer
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
Jousting on horseback except both competitors have party subs.
The only reason they’re called “jellyfish” is that ‘discarded grocery bags of death’ was considered “too wordy”.
When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.
me: [buying $2 ice cream with $100 bill] is this enough?
cnn: [mashing calculator] oh gosh it’s gonna be close
If ur a guy riding on a motorcycle with another guy, it’s best to sit facing each other. 1 man mounted behind another that just looks bad
What was the point in making your car louder, bro?
Do you really want women to turn their heads and notice you drive a 1999 Honda Civic?
I call bullshit on red wine reducing fat. If there was any truth to that, I’d resemble a crack addict.
My last name is Zilla.
if u disregard the teeth, shark attacks are actually kinda cute
Friend: hey man can you recommend a good book to prepare us for having a toddler?
Me: yeah try the Strange Case of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde.
Get in the van!
me?…*winks* OK, It will be unpleasant, but worth it- hey! Where are you going?!
*jogs after van*
My neighbor, watching me take out all the recycling, exclaimed “Yikes! at least you won’t need to order anything next week!” I laughed and laughed and then signed into Amazon