[zombie movie set]
Director into megaphone: “We’re about to start rolling. Look alive people!”
*actors look around confused as heck*
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[pet therapy]
THERAPIST: ok slow
ME: *pets 2 dogs*
T: just 1
M: *pets 3 dogs*
T: Nurse, restrain him, he’s
M: *pets 4 dogs*
T: roverdosing
Sorry, your invitation got lost in the trash.
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
Turns out my teen wanted to leave for school early so we’d have time to watch Netflix in the car and not because she was eager to get to school. I know this now.
When someone tries to argue with me I’m like “hey pal let me stop you right there” and then physically turn them around to face someone else
At what age does Ryan Gosling have to change his name to Ryan Goose
you, an idiot: It’s pronounced worcestershire.
me, an intellectual and foodie: Actually, it’s pronounced worcestershire.
I would like to confirm to the 14yo me that the best thing about being an adult is going to bed when you want.
I’ll omit the bit about it being 7:30pm.
I’ve seen the bass pro shop guy naked more than I have myself.
Border Security Idea: Make the door to Mexico too small for sombreros.
I will never forget when my mom tried to use her cancer to get my sisters boyfriend of 7 years to propose by saying “don’t make me go to my oldest daughters wedding bald Steve” and he looked this woman dead in the eyes and responded “they make really good wigs now, Joan” ruthless
oh you’re an industrialist? name 5 cheesecakes manufactured at cheesecake factory
I’ve had my phone battery die at a family function. Nothing scares me now.
When someone in their 20’s talks about “old people” they’re talking about us.
If you watch COPS backwards it’s just a bunch of people overcoming miraculous obstacles to win free drugs
as a kid: i have to save up for this toy
as an adult: i have to save up for this rent
I don’t like labels, but I suppose “evil genius” fits about as well as any.
The prophecy is fulfilled
Any dinner can be a murder mystery dinner if you’re ambitious enough.
That stupid little run we do when someone holds the door open for us
I think I have resting watching sex scene with my parents face
“Speed” remake with Scarlett Johansson as the bus
Kids these days will never know the exhilarating danger of going 60mph down a burning hot metal slide.
Friend: Man, it’s hot. Thank god for AC, right?
Me: I don’t have air conditioning.
Friend: How do you stay cool?
Me: *Slips on sunglasses & leather jacket; vapes; engages Heelys and rolls away*
Friend: Holy shit.
I will let someone cut the line I’m waiting in, but only if they let me braid their hair from behind.
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
My Ex is so mean she would train homing pigeons and then move away…
Therapist: You have an addictive personality
Me: I think you’re pretty great too
Most people’s biggest concern while drunk is drunk texting. My son drunk replied an email and ran for office for his graduate program…and won. Congratulations to the new Director of Finance. I can’t make this shit up.
Lovely walk round Fitzrovia led me to a kindred spirit.