Monday morning looks like Jack Nicholson breaking through the door in The Shining.
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called my horse mayo cause mayo neighs
[tornado warning]
*locks children and dog safely in basement*
*perches in a tree with binoculars*
There was a man hunched over by a trash can and I heard sniffling and thought he was crying so I said “hey man are you alright” and he turned around and he was doing lines off a book. Pretty sure he’s doing alright.
Your skull is only a centimeter thick and other reassurances.
The sign at the zoo said “Please Don’t Touch The Animals” so I put away the book of poetry I was reading to them.
Ethan isn’t playing around this semester
[job interview]
-Describe yourself to me in one word.
-poor
I once confused a tube of superglue with a tube of lube.
It was horrible.
My model plane kept slipping apart
I don’t know I guess I always thought Spock would’ve had more ear hair sorry to get political
I’m 6’ and I’m built like someone who overestimates by four inches
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
Cortana, where is the closest Taco Bell?
There’s a Weight Watchers meeting 1 mile away from you.
*Note to self: Never call Siri Cortana*
That moment when you’re driving and tweeting and you look up and notice you’re in the Atlantic Ocean.
I hate when I read something so offensive on Twitter that my monocle falls out of my eye and into my brandy snifter.
me: I would hate to be the Bear of Bad News
my wife: it’s bearer of bad news not Bear of Bad News
Bear of Bad News: lady you don’t know wtf you’re talking about
Don’t key “You’re so cool” into the side of a police car while cop is still in the car.
Don’t ask me how I know this.
Why do people ask “what the hell were you thinking”? Obviously, I was thinking I was gonna get away with it and not have to explain it
To the woman who just honked at me to leave this parking spot, I suddenly have dozens of urgent emails to respond to.
Hey did you guys hear me do that pushup?
*when toddlers meet*
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
“tHaNkS fOr YoUr pAyMeNt!”
Shut up. I paid that bill against my will.
Is it rude to throw breath mints in someones mouth while they’re talking?
Them: your pets are spoiled
Me: they are competitively compensated for the user experience they provide
I see ur bio says ‘Medical Intern’. Can you take a look at this *sends DM of mother-in-laws face* n tell me if it’s infected. It is right?
So, Tim Cook came out of the cloud?
DR DOG: The test results came back.
PATIENT: Oh God
DR DOG: The tumor is–
*sees a squirrel out the window and takes off*
Scariest things in the world:
1. Clowns
2. Phone calls
3. That feeling when you accidentally tip your office chair back too far and your life flashes before your eyes
Veteran Parent Tip:
Buying a bullhorn to loudly announce from your car, “Your Uber driver has arrived!” gives you a 73% greater chance of your teens no longer making you wait when picking them up from a friend’s house
I just slipped in the shower and my life flashed before my eyes but it was just a series of other times I almost fell.
Want to know what I want with you? It starts with S, has an E in it and I want lots of it
Space.