I like long walks along the beach until the drugs wear off & I realize I’m actually crawling through the sand at the local construction site
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Me, first day as homicide detective: Just as I suspected…it’s blood.
“You promise you didn’t get me bees again”
[me from a distance] just open it
[kool-aid man catches son sneaking in and smells his breath] is that…hawaiian punch?
“dad i can explain”
[child gets stuck in claw machine]
Me: [calls husband] “Hi honey, you’re not going to believe this, but I found us a babysitter for this evening.”
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
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They don’t want to talk to you. But they’re there.
“Oh my gosh, this is the biggest donut I’ve ever seen.”
“Mam, that’s a tire.”
“Kids, get me a napkin.”
7: are eggs vegetables?
10: no! and they’re not fruit either, they’re children!
It’s adorable when I bring workout clothes on a trip to Miami like I’m not just going to eat, drink, and sleep.
My wife and I have been happily married for two years. 1997 & 2004
Kidnapper holding me for ransom: *handing me phone* your parents want to talk to you so they have proof you’re alive
Me: can I just text them
Responding to a question from your wife with interpretive dance tends to raise more questions than it answers.
Son, always wait 30 minutes after eating before swimming
“But dad we’re goldfish”
Oh yeah, I forgot
“Forgot what?”
Can’t believe New Zealand are introducing a new flag just as I finished memorising the old one.
My tall sister took the vodka out of the cupboards above the fridge.
I always thought those doors were just there for decoration.
My tweets use many of the same letters as Shakespeare.
You just found Jesus?
The rule is if no one claims him in 30 days you can keep him.
therapy: $500
tattoo: $500 but cooler
Computer dating is fine… if you are a computer.
Our dog came in half-frozen after her walk. I haven’t seen that cat grinning this big since our dog had to wear the cone of shame.
I bring my own pen into the bank because I don’t need any god dammed chains telling me where I can and cannot write
If the police don’t escort you out of Applebees then is it really a good date?
I’m pretty bad at math until someone orders mozzarella sticks for the table.
Aladdin’s love for carpet rides must have saved Jasmine thousands of dollars in waxing fees and razors.
Just took $20 out of my friend Martin’s wallet (he has ALS) because that ice bucket nonsense ruined my new kimono.
STOP FLIRTING WITH YOUR UNCLE AT YOUR WEDDING WITH YOUR COUSIN #HouseOfTheDragon
I start conversations with my children by saying “Listen to me,” to ensure they stop paying attention from the beginning.
rhino: how did you go extinct?
dinosaur: giant meteor from space, you?
rhino: hunted by cruel man, how about you big guy
panda: just couldn’t be bothered to have sex to be honest, just fell over a lot, rolled about
ME: Who’s haunting me?
EXORCIST: Your father
*thermostat mysteriously lowers by 4 degrees*
ME: Yeah, that checks out
honey, i think the milk’s gone bad
“i only bought it yesterday”
yeah well, look at this..
*milk is running a meth lab in the fridge*