Co-worker: *tells story*
Me: I’m so sorry to hear that.
CW: What? It’s not a bad story.
Me: No, I’m just really sorry I had to hear it.
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Horrifying if literal: a handbag
Grocery store just charged me $0.10 to offset the environmental impact of my bag and then gave me a paper receipt 3 feet long.
Piglet: *sees recipe book* Honey-glazed…Pooh, what’s ham?
WinniethePooh: A food that goes well with honey. Now, how about a nice hot bath?
my date is in 2 hours, which means I have very little time to fix my glasses and fix my bangs and get a career and lose 50 pounds
*Cooks dinner for family*
Gets arrested for attempting to cause great bodily harm
I’m not a piece of shit. I’m the whole shit.
Year 2055. Twitter dot com is downloaded into your head as a sentient being program. You post tweets via thought. People still manually RT.
Husband: *measures out 3 cups of rice, cooks*
Me: what are you-
Husband: *muffled, from behind a giant mountain of rice* why did I end up with 80 cups?!!
Me: *shouting* because you don’t get rice math!
Daughter made me a dish:
Me, swallowing: Mmm, it’s so delicious! And even smells like strawberries!
Her: It’s because of the shampoo.
Halloween decorating with a 6yo is fun. You get to say things like “no cobwebs on the dog” and “no we’re not putting pumpkins on the roof.”
I knew this day would come. It’s on my calendar
All mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
A N U S
B U T T
M U F F
~ My reply when the optometrist asks me to read the lower lines, regardless of what I see
Guy down the street wanted to borrow a wrench so I asked him adjustable, box or open ended, he said the adjustable one you borrowed six months ago.
*Password looks at itself in the mirror*
“Don’t listen to Google. You are a strong, confident password.”
Marvel, DC, and the world unite to agree on one SUPERVILLAIN to rule them all….
The Guy Who Determines Snack Food Serving Sizes.
“Is this your resume?”
Yes
“It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away?”
Yes
“Welcome to UPS!”
If I was a vampire, pretty sure I’d find a way to cover blood in cheese.
The acute panic of my child going to hunt for batteries in my bedroom.
Next time you see someone you don’t like, begin conversation with “I see the assassins have failed.”
Santa Claus & his elves wouldn’t be able to wrap the gifts needed for all the children in the world quickly enough unless they had more limbs. Therefore, the logical conclusion is that they are all octopuses & the “North Pole” is actually the lost city of Atlantis. In this essay,
I received a call from a charity asking me to donate clothes for starving people. Anyone who can fit into my clothes isn’t starving!
I just want to put my hair in a cute little messy bun and not look like a sumo wrestler.
Call me crazy but it looks like cage free eggs come in little cages to me.
At my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
judge: how can this be your defense?
me: how was I to know he wasn’t cake?
YOU ASKED IF YOU COULD PET HER, NOT IF SHE BITES, MEGAN.
If stores want to accurately display clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be laying on a couch after 5PM.
“LOLZ”? Really? Did you laugh so loud you fell asleep?
Mentally fistfighting everyone I pass on sidewalk (watched action movie earlier) my record is 33-10 but to be fair I walked by a school.