I called 5 a nerd and she started crying. When I explained it was a good thing and that I was a nerd, she started crying harder.
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Well well well, if it isn’t the bridge I said I’d burn when I came to it…
Every time you get a haircut, you’re essentially returning your last haircut and exchanging it for the exact same thing
My dog Daisy, whom I love very much, just ate a check from a foundation for $50k. Most awkward email I’ve had to send in a long time.
I have so much to offer this world but I am so far behind on my shows.
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t an empty bag of Reese’s.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a ‘closed’ sign on a pizzeria door.
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
Parenting is 10% knowing you would kill for your children and 90% suppressing the urge to kill them.
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
HER: what’s your stance on bullying in school
ME: hmmm probably like this *puts my hands on my hips and shakes my head disapprovingly*
I’ll be spending some time on my other account.
Be back later.* if I’m not back later please read the message above again*
He stares up at the sign, tears streaming. Arthur “Pantless” Jackson smiles. The search has taken him 10 years and to 14 countries. He opens the door. The clerk looks up from his phone. “Can I help you?” he asks. “Yes,” says Arthur, “I’m Jackson, and I believe you have my pants.”
The legends speak of a third Duran…
80% of arguments start because someone hasn’t eaten yet.
I was going to sign this permission slip to let my daughter watch The Grinch at school but I haven’t heard back from North Korea yet.
You can tell how single I am by the way my cat and dog wear their sombreros with quiet dignity and acceptance.
Just bought Colgate mouthwash ’cause it builds stronger gums and someday my gums might have to lift a car off a baby.
In case anyone needs to feel better about their parenting, my 9yo saw someone inside Build-a-Bear wearing a reindeer costume and said, “Look Mom, it’s a furry.”
Host: Today on House Flippers, a houseboat
Couple: I heard Dracula killed a bunch of people on this boat?
Host: The important thing is choosing a layout that makes it feel like a home (pause) I’m thinking new cabinets
My teen doesn’t like how her sister cleaned the bathroom and told her to do it again, so I’m like who died and made you boss?
me: most dust is human skin flakes therefore roombas are carnivorous robots and one day the dust won’t satiate them anymore so they will rise up and devour us all
therapist: can we go back to discussing your childhood
me: one sec
Not to brag but drunk me just decided to start taking pictures for sober me in the morning…
Not to brag, but I just bought Eggland’s best eggs from the grocery store. Their BEST eggs. I got them.
Ah yes, time for the biannual gaslighting of the cat, in which I slowly shift meals by 15 minutes at a time for two weeks in a ritual that is both mystifying and infuriating for him.
I don’t want to sound like an alarmist but
Wooooop Wooooop
Rearrearrearrear
Booloo Booloo Booloo
Weeuuuweeuuuweeuuu
Beeep Beeep Beeep Beeep
I said to my wife, ‘Hey, I really love these new furry condoms.”
‘Bob, that’s a cat.’
[writing last will and testament] and to Oliver i leave my “Why I Taught Bears To Use Swords” memoir
BEAR: [from outside] FIGHT ME U COWARD
me: i need to a place to relax.
cruise ship director: say no more. i want you to imagine a giant office building on its side filled with thousands of people floating in the middle of the ocean.
You can’t hurt my feelings, pffft, I have three kids