And where the back of the wardrobe should have been, one passed through until the air grew cold and one could feel the brush of pine trees. This Ikea wardrobe is terrible.
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Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed call people that any more.”
Taken 4: How does this shit keep happening
Standup desk? Sure then I’ll pay someone to whack me in the kneecaps too
cant believe language was invented. like everyone was chill and quiet and then one day someone just started saying some shit
My husband told me I was beautiful for the first time tonight
Sure, he was drunk and using a Scooby Doo voice but I’ll take it
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Maybe they have better connections than you.
It’s wrong! If gay marriage is legal who will stop me marrying this painting of a horse. This majestic painting. Who will stop me kissing it
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke.
Alexa: I’m afraid I can’t due to all the updog.
Me: (long pause) Alexa, take over my Twitter.
Optimus Prime implies the existence of Optimus Fresh, and for a nominal monthly fee, Optimus Audible.
Call your teenage daughter by the dog’s name one time and she doesn’t talk to you for three days. Three wonderful fabulous amazing days.
Finally going to watch Titanic, no spoilers please.
the only other single person at this wedding is my nephew fml
Usually I have to go faster than 30 for that to happen
Doctor: Your baby is 7 pounds!
Me: So that’s like, what, three dollars?
Why do football players only dance when good shit happens? Just once I wanna see a QB throw an interception & do a sad, interpretive dance.
My kids got to meet a fireman at dinner last night. How and why they got to meet a fireman is not important.
I like to think that all my unfollowers have violated their parole and been sent back to the big house. Just kidding, I hope they’re dead.
If you succeed at failing, do you fail or succeed?
“Give me your hand!”
“But-“
“You’re gonna have to trust me!”
No good deed goes unposted on social media.
*texts son “dont say me” as wife heads to his bedroom*
wife to son: why did you put next years date on your science paper about time travel?
We need a ride home.
“I called a Gruber”
Don’t you mean an Uber?
[villain from 1988 Die Hard arrives in black Prius]
I’m going to be real with you. my dinners lately are just sort of me throwing things into a pot like a witch in a cartoon
new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people had asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
Boss: I need you to come into work at 7 instead of 9 tomorrow.
Me: Can’t.
Boss: Why?
Me: I’ll be asleep until 8:30.
What I said : Just a trim, please.
What hairdresser must’ve heard : Give me the Kim Jong-un.
Revenge is a dish best served cold. Unless revenge is a meatloaf. That you should heat in the oven for forty-five minutes at 350 degrees.
One of the best examples of someone posing a question that they already know the answer to is the WeightWatchers website asking me if I accept cookies.
Starbucks, where 11 members of staff frantically do things behind the counter, yet not one of these things appears to resemble a hot drink