i have no idea what’s going on but i want to be involved.
-kids
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This makes total sense…
ME: Not gonna make it in today. I hurt my updog.
BOSS: What’s updog?
ME: Nothing much, prolly just gonna take a nap.
Sometimes I think about the time my four year old told me she ate fruit at school and when I asked her what kind she said flamangos.
Remember the days we could get out of bed without looking like a newborn pony trying to walk?
Good times.
I’m at the point in my life where my favorite Mexican restaurant is based solely on how big the margaritas are.
pikachu had tasted human flesh and now his hunger could not be satisfied
Beaver 1: our house has been flooded…
Beaver 2: dam
A toddler can do more in one unsupervised minute than most people can do all day.
I’ve reached a tipping point in life where my interest in baked goods is greater than my interest in men and I’m calling this new chapter doughs before bros
If you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone then I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words.
My father gave me 3 pieces of advice
1. Don’t talk to strangers
2. Don’t do drugs
3. Don’t come into the garage when Deep Purple is blasting
them: Why don’t you think about what you’re doing?
me: lolz
Hey, people “liking” Walmart on Facebook – you OK?
I’m goth enough to know that when your basement door opens for no apparent reason, you walk down those steps.
CNN just wondered if I’m sending disasters to punish you for your sins. No, I’m sending them to punish you for CNN.
[future]
Kid: Grammar and spelling are stupid, dad! Why do I have to learn them anyway?
Me: Internet arguments, mostly
God I love corduroy pants. If only the fire department would allow me to wear them
People are shocked when I tell them I’m a horrible electrician
Cowboy: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us
ME: I’ll be staying indoors almost all the time
Cowboy: ok cool
1st marriage: Love, naivety.
2nd marriage: Health insurance.
How to build a nested list
1) Start like this
A) Then do this
Bird: I live here now
2) Make sure to get the bird out
Bird: NO
The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you would actually kill me.
I threw the ball out into the backyard, the dog started runnin’ on the hardwood floor to give chase, lost traction and skidded sideways out the door like she was trying to block the Suez Canal.
If you’re ever interviewed after my murder, please, for the love of god, don’t say “she had a smile that lit up the room.” Tell the truth: we always knew she’d get on the wrong side of a sniper or we were worried about that dangerous model train group she got mixed up with.
st pete:
me:
st pete:
me: was it my browser history?
st pete: [locking pearly gates]
wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
Vader: I’ll teach you the Death Star’s power
Leia: By blowing up my planet?
Vader: By showing you a PowerPoint presentation
Leia: NOOO!!!
I tried to find the quickest checkout by jumping grocery lanes and now I think I’m stuck in the line to pay respects to Queen Elizabeth.
Penguins are always dressed in formalwear because they often need to go to court to answer for their terrible crimes
him: can you pour me a glass of wine
me: there’s only enough left for me
him: there’s a whole bottle
me: yes