Some coworkers reheated lunch smells like it’s about to go missing in my stomach.
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“We can’t hire you. We’re trying to get more diverse”
ME: But I’m Hispanic
[A bear walks in wearing a fresh Hooters outfit]
ME: Aw man
Love a good morning stretch that turns into an involuntary pterodactyl screech
“The curb is just a reverse pothole” I whisper to myself as I hear the wheel scraping against cement.
Thanks autocorrect. I wanted her to know that I shaved my duck.
Homeschooling, day 8:
People do this willingly?
marriage counselor: you can’t run away from your problems
me: [leans forward, whispering] what if she gave me a head start
wife: I can hear u
eve: oH IM aDaM aNd I WoNT eAT aN ApPle
adam: wow
eve: lighten up i’m just ribbing you
adam: WOW
When I told my parents over the phone that my husband has the flu, my dad said “Have you tried euthanasia?” and in the background my mom yelled “For the last time, it’s echinacea!”
saw a post the other day explaining how killer whales became the #1 predators of cows in Alaska. turns out cows love to eat the kelp churned up by rough seas. also turns out cows get hit by waves and washed out to sea.
also cows float. 😂🐄🦈
Worst feelings:
1) Love not reciprocated
2) Hurting someone’s feelings
3) Disappointing my kids
4) Misgauging where to stop at a red light by a parking lot exit and now I’m blocking a car trying to turn out and god they won’t stop staring at me help
Hippos at the Cincinnati Zoo getting some pumpkin snacks.
Me: Damn. Another gray hair. *plucks it*
Old man standing next to me: Ouch!
The sexual tension between the mustard sauce and my t shirt.
“DADDY THERE’S A MONSTER UNDER MY BED”
[me opening bedroom window]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *climbing out* ARE YOU COMING OR NOT?
Lost my phone, went looking, set down coffee.
Found phone, went back, where’d I put coffee?
It’s adorable how breakfast assumes we’re all able to fast.
Meet Brian, my monkey butler. He’s gonna help out around the office.
*Monkey flinging office equipment out the window*
Brian hates clutter.
Business plan :
1. hold sign that says “free hugs”2. Whisper during the hug, “it’s $50 to let go”
the divorce rate among my socks is astonishing
Making jokes on Twitter is a lot like making jokes in real life. Except without the frightened faces of strangers on buses
I like to pride myself on knowing whether it’s Ice Ice Baby or Under Pressure by the first bum bum bum badda dum bum.
i like dropping off a tweet to FB & watch as everyone cautiously forms a circle around it, looking confused while prodding it with a stick.
Taken 4: How does this shit keep happening
I hope in the Top Gun sequel Goose’s ghost visits Maverick and they do pottery together.
I showed my kids how to use encyclopedias. I stacked four of them to reach something on the top shelf.
I can point out chicks who say “vokka” and “liberry” instead of “vodka” and “library” based on the use of emoticons in their screen name.
what jerk ever looked at a hamburger and thought “you know what this needs? A nice, soft, warm piece of lettuce.”
7yo: Let’s not talk ALL day today
6yo: Ok!
Me: *holy shit yessss*
7yo: LET’S ONLY WHISTLE AND CLAP INSTEAD
Me: Right. Of course.
I made a female coworker cry on her birthday. For future reference, “I thought you were way older than that” is not a compliment.
High school prepares you for real life! For example, show choir taught me how to put on eyeliner and lip liner in a car on the freeway