If someone offered to give me a million dollars to name the two teams playing sportsball today, I’d make exactly no dollars.
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Here-1 sided text conversation between me and my 18yo daughter because all I do is pick her up from places.
A fellow mom was talking about how another school’s spring break was 2 days longer than ours and said “They could have given our kids 2 more days” and I’m always so confused when people want their kids home longer than necessary.
I tried to get fired from my job but my boss told me it’s not happening and to make her some Dino nuggets and bring her bunny to the table.
At peace with myself?
We can’t even decide which channel to watch
Sorry dinner is so late, honey. I accidentally bought individually wrapped rice again.
20s: insufficient funds
30s: insufficient fun
Me: Doctor, I’m not ready to be a father yet.
Doctor: Your daughter is 10.
The toast is toasting in the toaster, because that’s where the toast toasts.
Asked my gf to buy me a 2-pack of socks and she came back with these wtf
[nervously speeding up as I drive my date past a Taco Bell]
SIRI: At frequent destination. Set this address as ‘Home’ address?
Sorry I threw your baby but there was a spider on her.
I update my Facebook picture to a jail mugshot over the holidays so my family will go visit someone else.
[rollercoaster]
HER: weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
ME [selfish]: iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
Look at all of these beautiful horse
“Horses”
Horse is already plural
“You’re thinking of elk”
*stares off* Holy mooses, you’re right
Screaming out “BOOM PREGNANT!” during sex is never as funny as you think it will be.
i think both sides are to blame here
Harry: so a time turner turns back time
Dumbledore: yes
Harry: to, say, stop two murders
Dumbledore:
Harry: hello
Dumbledore [loudly chewing jelly beans]: crazy how Pluto isn’t a planet anymore lol
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the crap is placed.
Just cleaned out my desk.
Bad news: I apparently have 1,453 Sharpies and none of them are sharp.
Good news: I found the plane!
How do I raise my kids? Simple, I grab them under their arm pits, bend at the knees and stand up, how else would you do it?
You repeat the same mistakes expecting different results. I do this also
We are not the sane
Trouble brewing at Symphony Hall. It’s the bottom of Beethoven’s 9th, and the bassists are loaded.
How to brew beer: First buy $300 worth of equipment from the last guy who thought it would be fun
Me:*smashes car window to rescue baby*
Her:”WTF I was getting the stroller from the trunk!”
Me:”Yeah, but you had Coldplay on the radio.”
I believe we’re entering the ‘training for hell’ phase of summer.
Just got a paper cut on my webbing so you guys go ahead without me. It’s been fun.
Barista: I have a latte for *3 second long screeching noise*
Velociraptor: Actually it’s *4 second long screeching noise* but close enough
Just seconds before we make the jump to light speed the captain nears my console to check my calculations. I minimise solitaire just in time
i asked my mom why she was crying and she said because shes choping onions which is sad becuase as a young child she was adopted by onions