I just saw some idiot at the gym put his water bottle in the Pringle holder on the treadmill.
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After all the tasty socks my washer has decided to have masks for dessert.
COP: careful, this guy’s insane
DETECTIVE: ok
[he walks into the interrogation room]
ME: i dont like the creme part of oreos
D: jesus christ
Shame on you if you’re still replying “damn” to selfies. Take a creative writing class.
As the cedars outside my window
swayed with the gentle autumn breeze,
I gazed upon your digital image, madam,
And my bowl of spaghetti fell to the floor
As, nearly, did I…
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t reference any other achievements?
HOST: Welcome to “Die or Get Killed” the game show that no one survives
ME: Glad to be here, Mort
Living well is the best revenge. The second best revenge is carefully removing plants from someone’s garden & replacing their lawn gnomes with slightly larger lawn gnomes so they appear to be growing in size from eating the plants.
They say sex is the best for of exercise.
Correct me if I鈥檓 wrong but I don鈥檛 think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is gonna do much for your beer belly.
me: I want to buy some drugs
dealer: are you a cop
me: would I get a discount
Horrifying if literal: arm candy
Me too
*caterpillar looks up at sky*
“My dream is to fly a plane one day.”
Other Caterpillar: You don’t pay any attention in science class, do you?
*making cookies with 3*
Me: Santa will love these!
3:
Me: we need to leave some cookies out for Santa
3:
Me:
3: just one.
Wife: I’ve blisters on my hands from the broom.
Me: Take the car next time!
Dear rock bands,
If I am at your show, assume I am both ready and willing to rock. No need to ask.
The note on this boxed wine says ‘Fresh up to 6 weeks after opening’
6 weeks. lol.
Why didn’t Dorothy tell the Cowardly Lion about liquid courage?
a鈥鈥鈥鈥鈥鈥鈥鈥鈥鈥鈥鈥 (tv show, sitcom): six peopel avoid grabbing a cup of coffee together for 10 years
People who bite popsicles, where are the bodies hidden?
(yawn)
MY GRANDMA: The doctor says I’m standard.
ME: That’s not what STD is short for Grandma.
If you’re feeling a little too good about yourself let your child take a pic of you laying on the couch. Tada! You are now Jaba the Hut.
there should be an olympic sport for pessimism, not that i could ever win
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
a robot’s eyes change to red when they go evil because they are in love (with murder)
Gave my dog a piece of sausage. He no longer cares about the economy.
I ran out of chips so I dipped string cheese in my queso and I guess I鈥檓 keto now
I can take 15 years off my appearance by stealing your glasses.
First date: *puts entire onion ring in mouth* If yo’lik et ven yo’shoulla puh a wring owh it.
They called me hysterical, and I laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed
“It’s never too late to get the beach body you want,” I say, pulling a fresh corpse out of the ocean