Me: I have reservations
Restaurant Host: Makes sense, we have a C rating
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Date: Do you practice safe sex?
Me: I use the pull out method
Date: That doesn’t work!
Me *pulls out accordion*
Date: I don’t want to have sex with you
Me: It always works
My husband is blaming the cat for eating all the cookies and putting the empty package back in the cabinet. Ffs🙀
My two teenagers are very different. My son always wants money, whereas my daughter prefers the convenience of my credit card.
Men are almost twice as likely to tell pollsters that they have a plan for the zombie apocalypse than women. Often before the pollsters even ask.
Me: did you accidentally shrink my clothes?
Wife: why do you ask?
Me: my t-shirts and jeans don’t fit anymore.
Wife: it’s probably cause of all the muscle you’ve put on recently.
Me: oh yeah [putting four corn dogs in the microwave] you’re probably right.
My emotional support pig is now my therapy bacon.
1. Get in hammock.
2. Relax.
3. Try and get out of hammock.
4. Panic.
5. Don’t fight it and just accept that this is where you live now.
Trying to keep the riff raff away.
Don’t ask me if I’m participating in no nut November, call me when it’s time for Donut December
best buy employee: can i help you find anything
me: uh i’m good
best buy employee: ok well if you have any questions i’m colin
me: how’d you get in my house colin
It’s awkward touching hands with another man inside a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man and he doesnt know you’re eating his popcorn
I understand the beautiful part, Cover Girl. But isn’t “easy breezy” just another way to say “slutty and flatulent?”
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
*sips from glass of water that’s been sitting out for a while*
ugh, it tastes like the house
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions
Everybody has a method to their twitter madness. Don’t critique mine, and I won’t critique yours. If you don’t like how I do it, unfollow.
My wife’s tweezers were missing the other day, she finally found them near a fly with no wings, I don’t know how that happened.
Warning: objects in your rear may feel larger than they they appear.
ME: There are 18 sheep.
RANCHER: Round ‘em up!
ME: There are 20 sheep.
Job Posting: local pond looking to hire tadpole, must have previous experience as frog
Schrödinger’s cookie
This line from Airplane.
“I love my Job!” -Job’s wife
With the rise in grocery prices my cashier now asks if I’m ready before giving me the total, the answer is always no but I appreciate his sensitivity
I want Grandmmarly, the app that passive aggressively corrects my grammar but also mails me a 5 dollar bill on my birthday
On Amazon looking for a cat water fountain and 😂😂😂
Then they came for the bins, and I did not speak out, because I was not a bin man, and they were, and that was their job.
Lions do NOT share. If you try to give them half a hoagie, they will take it, plus your half, plus your arm, plus I am inside a lion.