*winning a goldfish at a carnival*
I shall take my small prisoner and be on my way.
You Might Also Like
Raising kids means saving them from drowning, choking and other forms of certain death so one day they can look at you with a straight face and ask, “Why don’t you just let me live my life?!”
Husband and I just heard a noise. Neither of us feels like investigating so we just said See ya on the other side.
I’m sure 4 kids fighting about who found the most eggs at 7 AM is exactly what Jesus had planned for today.
If you love someone set them on fire. Did I get that right? Oh god what have I done. It’s SET THEM FREE isn’t it? Sorry burning loved one.
Friend, cradling a baby: I just love the smell of babies!
Me: Yes, delicious.*friend frowns; I discretely check my Conversational Human guide*
Me: Yes, “nice.”
Twitter should really come up with a “Temporarily hide user’s tweets until user gets their shit together” button.
My 6yo just told me that because I need music to get motivated that makes me ‘radioactive’
I guess it’s time to start acting my age. Seriously when I was born, the Dead Sea was just sick.
No thank you free mattress on the side of the road, I prefer to get my crabs the old fashioned way, by sleeping with complete strangers.
The 16yo tells me he’s been revising all day. His browser history suggests he’s got his YouTube exam in the morning.
Wife: pick a Christmas movie to watch.
Me: Lord of the Rings.
Wife: that’s not a Christmas movie.
Me: then why does it have elves?
Wife:
Me: plus Gandalf looks like Low Carb Santa.
[Bookstore]
Me: *hands over Tangled coloring book*
Cashier: How old is your daughter?
Me: [sweating nervously] Of course it is
I stand in the tampon aisle and when a woman reaches for a box, I snicker and say “you’re gross”.
[texting friend]
me: my wife and I had an argument and she just started texting her mom, is that bad
friend: oh man
me: now she’s texting my mom
friend: OH MAN
My best friend’s marriage is such an inspiration.
As a reminder that there are worse things than dying alone.
boss: you’re late
me: and you are not the father
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
I have a “wayward” son & telling him to “carry on” doesn’t sound like good advice, but whatever you say, kansas
If it’s so good why can’t I find a single car wash that carries the Brazilian wax thingy you guys keep tweeting about?
That’s not fat. It’s bonus content.
[At Wedding]
Priest: And do you take me as your lawfully wedded wife?
Me: I do. WAIT A SECOND
Priest: TOO LATE. YOU’RE MINE NOW, IDIOT.
Just saw a WiFi name called “Hot Signals In Your Area” and honestly that’s iconic
*walks down street*
*panties drop left and right*
*thinks, “shouldn’t have bought so many panties”*
*picks up panties*
*continues home*
Fun idea! Complimentary deodorant with each transit fare purchase.
If I could give parents one advice it would be to never tell your kids about your good hiding spot. Take that to the grave.
You people that are getting sex regularly either need to keep that shit to yourselves or be more descriptive.
Every time you make a typo, the errorists win.
Algebra,trignometry, and calculus are responsible for more doctors than the actual love for the profession.
amazon: your order has been placed
me: great thanks
amazon: your order is being prepared
me: cool
amazon: your order is being put in the truck
me: it’s ok i don’t need an update on every step
amazon: the driver just buckled his seatbelt
Why are all of these OnlyFans accounts following me? I’m not going to pay for your nudes, I can look at myself naked in the mirror for free