he died doing what he loved: trying to put socks on with wet feet while standing next to a cliff
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I would not hook up with the grinch but i would feel good if i found that he wanted hook up with me
This lady didn’t know how to use the gas pump, so I winked at her and whispered “nobody does” while pouring gas into my jacket pocket.
I just got super defensive to my phone when i was cheating on the times crossword
I was like “hey! Maybe i just wanted to know who the protagonist of clan of the cave was for an entirely different reason!”
I never see my neighbors. Unless I’m walking through the kitchen pulling my bra through my sleeve, glance out the window, and then it’s all like heyyyy
HR: Can you explain the recent unemployment in your resume?
Me: Yes, that was a period of time when I was not working. But guess what?
HR: What?
Me: You can fix that right here, right now
“Please! There’s no need to interact with me. I’m just here to observe.”
-me in every social situation
DR DOG: It says you’re here for a blood test. First, some questions. Number one: over the last six months who’s been a good boy?
2 pacs of eminems for 50 cents? Man that’s Ludacris
HUSBAND: Do you want to
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
HUSBAND: I didn’t say anything yet.
ME: Sorry, go ahead.
HUSBAND: Would you like to go
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
I wonder what happens if you put on Axe body spray and Old Spice deodor-
POOF![ponytail appears]
i feel like if the avengers were real we’d really really hate them
Of course I talk to myself. I’m a great listener.
Real terror is the moment when you realize you’re about to sneeze with sore abs
DAD i can’t stay with your wife in same home.. she’s hiding all my snacks.
5,”So we don’t get to open any presents today?”
Me, “No.”
5, “So basically Thanksgiving is just Christmas for your tummy, right?”
Pretty fed up with the fact that pandemonium almost NEVER involves pandas.
How many boxes of Girl Scout cookies are in a serving?
I can’t grab a drink with you after work. I am limiting my liquids since I am wearing a jumpsuit
Me: What do you want for your birthday?
12yo: I don’t know
Me, jokingly: Drugs?
12yo: Nah, too expensive
Me:
10: this game took forever to download! It took like almost 1 minute
me: *laughs in dial-up*
I bought all this healthy food at the grocery store today and now I’m trying to decide if I want Chinese food or pizza delivered for dinner tonight.
The real walk of shame is when you take all the cups and plates you’ve been hoarding in your room down to the kitchen.
Kids make friends in 5 seconds, adults make friends in 5 drinks.
Me: I’m not getting older. I’m getting bitter.
Autocorrect: Did you mean “better”?
Me: No.
Hi, I need to schedule a doctor’s appointment. Why? I’m down a few pounds and need it documented in my permanent record. I AM THINNER and won’t be ignored.
maintenance guy came into the men’s room at work and shouted “is anyone in here?” and in a normal speaking voice someone in the cubicle next to me said “why?”
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
Cap’n Crunch and Count Chocula aren’t so tough. I have guys like you for breakfast.
Ours is the house that always has something on the roof that was never intended to be airborne