I’m gonna say Amazon 3 times and hope my scarf I haven’t ordered yet appears.
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Hey, which Instagram filter takes out all the insecurities?
*Hanging upside down with my arms folded across my chest* You’d better put that toilet seat down when you’re done!
The only thing worse than getting caught sneaking alcohol into the house by your wife is being called amateur by your teen son.
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( • o•)
/ >🥕 for energyReality:
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( • o•)
/ >🍕 for energy[30 mins later]
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(´・ω・)
/ ⌒ヽ
(人__つ_つ
going to red lobster does anyone need any red lobsters
Catholic mass is just Catholic force divided by Catholic acceleration
[boiling pot]
dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
I went to confession and the priest said, “pics or it didn’t happen.”
I was once accused of stealing money from work. I didn’t do it but it was nice to know management also thought I wasn’t getting paid enough.
I feel so bad every time I startle an introvert. Please come back
I wonder how many times they edited the Bible to take out whenever Jesus said “anyhoo”
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something. *closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*
~ Developers
The egg whites carton in my fridge looked like the creamer carton and now I have omelette coffee.
Me: *Chivalrously places jacket on a puddle so the lady won’t step in it*
Woman whose water just broke: Please just call 911
FACT: Had kids for one reason; to send them to the basement for paper towels when I run out of them in the kitchen. It’s scary down there.
One time I spent Christmas with an exes family and they asked if I’d ever seen A Charlie Brown Christmas, and I said “no, I’m allergic to peanuts” and nobody got the joke and her mom spent all week avoiding putting nuts in stuff and we broke up like 3 weeks later. Carry on.
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
[On couch, notices it’s 6pm]
Luckily I don’t have to pick up the kids from the Christmas party until 8.
*Notices it’s February*
OH SHIT
My high school girlfriend got “uses her kids as her facebook profile picture” fat.
Could a murderer do THIS?
*lawyer points to defendant doing cool tap dance*
I remind the jury that only guilty feet have got no rhythm.
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
*KFC*
Me: how tender is the chicken?
Employee: [points to chicken crying watching the notebook]
He died doing what he loved.
Taking a french fry off my plate.
My therapist puts her toilet paper roll on upside down, yet somehow I’m the crazy one?
Accidentally texted my dad “have a hood day” and he shot three people
Seeing all the praise for Conan it’s time I told my own special Conan story. Years ago I first saw Conan. He was funny and I liked him. Then he kept being funny and I was like hell yeah I really like him. Later I found out it wasn’t just me, Conan did this with many other people.
You called me “muffin”….did you mean blueberry or chocolate chip?
18: I’m going to ask the stylist what color screams parental issues.
Me: …
Two seats open.
One next to a good looking girl who noticed me as I walked in.
The other by a wall outlet.She’ll find love in another man.