You don’t have to make the same mistakes your parents made. An ambitious person makes new mistakes.
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If I suddenly had the ability to teleport, I’d spend an entire day popping up naked in front of people and asking for John Connor.
Just go ahead and put “She always had to pee” on my tombstone, because that’s how everyone’s going to remember me.
To change the traffic light from red to green, pick up your phone and try to read a text on your cellphone.
My brother threw a rock at my sister when we were kids. It broke a window, and he blamed her because she ducked.
Who called it asking the waiter about the specials and not retrieving data from the server
Shoutout to everyone who remembers the days before satnavs, when you’d go to visit someone on the outskirts of London and 4 hours later you’d pass Big Ben for the 2nd time while screaming
Fact: mongooses are super fast and agile and are well known to be dangerous to cobra kai students.
FBI BOSS: We’ve finally found you a new partner. So what do you say when you meet him?
ME: Nice to meet you.
BOSS: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Let’s turn this FBI onto an FB Us.
[making the first boat]
“How do we get across this river?”
ME: we gotta build a boat
“What’s a boat?”
ME: that’s what we gotta figure out
I got the scar above my lip from *my time in prison.
*When my coffee mug launched itself out of my cupboard before work.
“Mom?”
“Yes?”
“Are we having seafood for dinner?”
“No, why?”
“I heard Dad on the phone.”
“And?”
“He said that he picked up a case of crabs.”
If the chef tells me he made this with blood, sweat, and tears I’m calling the health department
Getting old is not fun. Sometimes I have to check my texts, photos and ring camera when someone asks me what I did yesterday
The earth is the largest rock that any of us will ever stand on. So I’ve never understood rock climbers. By standing on the earth, you have stood on the biggest rock. You are done. You have peaked. You don’t have to keep climbing rocks. Unnecessary.
my father has started calling me “daughter number one” either bc (1) im the firstborn daughter or (2) im his favorite daughter or (3) he forgot my name, which is what i tell my sister, “other daughter” & my brother, “boy daughter”
As long as my dog gets walked 4 times a day (with one of these taking place at approximately midnight) then she doesn’t go on the downstairs carpet. So easy!
I think Tuesdays are worse than Mondays.
You can’t use “It’s Monday” as an excuse.
If anyone wants to watch the Super Bowl on a 72″ 8k TV, come on over to my place (and bring a 72″ 8k TV).
If you’re going to the hospital for a covid-19 test make sure you bring with you a valid form of identification along with a printout of your IMDB page and/or your Basketball Reference stats
When you go in the other room I ask your dog what you look like naked.
THE SHINING (1980): An oblivious pair of incessant chatterboxes are finally taught to respect the sanctity of a writer’s space.
Good news: Your wit is really mind-blowing
Bad news: It’s not my mind that I want blown
Do I love my coworkers? No.
But are they good at their job and make my life easier at work?
Also no…
Be a sharp dressed man. Buy a suit made of knives. Scare ur boss into promoting u. Cut everyone’s sandwiches for them in the break room.
Yesterday I donated $10, just not quite sure where because it fell out of my pocket.
absolutely love it when i spend all morning crafting an email so professional and precise it is essentially endorsed by the better business bureau only for dave from accounts payable to reply “ok” in size 45 comic sans
Me: On today’s episode of Inside the Actor’s Studio….apartment….
Ryan Reynolds: How did you get in here?
*steps out of the time machine* Me: what year is this?
Wife: Stop playing with the washing machine.
yes lassie?
“bark”
Timmy’s in the well and you pissed in my slippers and you told me about Timmy first so I wouldn’t get mad
“bark”
smart
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.