I was standing in the train station waiting for a friend when some guy came up to me and gave me a dollar in case you need any fashion advice.
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When your man makes a valid point
What idiot called him Frosty the Snowman and not Bill Brrrr?
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: sir calm down
ME (having panic attack): sorry I’ve never flown before
PILOT (over intercom): dont worry neither have I lol
son: Why do people tell jokes?
me: To make other people laugh
son: So why do you tell jokes?
My kid fell asleep in the car holding his half-eaten donut, so I did the responsible thing and finished it for him
The microwave really puts 1 minute into perspective, doesn’t it?
Sandwich: Hi. Barman: Sorry, we dont serve food in here.
[alligator store]
Clerk: $1500. Thanks
Me: not gonna say bye to him?
Clerk: uh
Me: say it
Clerk: goodbye
Me: say “see you later alligator”
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one at auction today.
I’ve had him about an hour now.
Anyway….. Monkey for Sale.
*Son storms in
‘DAD! Teacher told me that hibernation is NOT a country of stoner bears and that you’re to stop helping me with my homework’
If you see something, say something.
My dog: i got this
one of my colleagues is just one of my absolute favourite people. a patient brought us in homemade strawberry and cream cupcakes as an apology for being rude earlier, and my colleague just finished hers, licked her lips, dropped the paper in the bin and announced to the world ‘A F****N’ ENJOYED THAT, SORCHA. SOMEONE ANNOY HER AGAIN’
I love her
Awww, how nice for wittle Jeb #JokeoftheDay #Conan
me: this house is making lots of creaky sounds
realtor: that just means it’s settling
my fiancee: *creaky sounds*
*throws a rock at a bird*
Me [writing in “science” journal]: birds don’t like rocks.
I finally found a machine at work that I like: the coffee machine.
People Giving Writing Advice: Be you, just write what you know
Me, typing: “Her eyes shimmered like oil in a deep fryer. She had hair like brown linguini, and thighs like albino sea lions.”
People: wait no, why are you like that
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
*sprinkles gummy bears on a caesar salad*
Apparently new moms are supposed to “sleep when the baby sleeps,” but I have yet to find anyone who has mastered the art of sleeping while driving or pushing a stroller.
A rob Lowe implies the existence of rob homedepot
My kid just used the phrase “a perfect circle of parmesean cheese” when talking to his friends and I don’t care if he’s cooking or summoning a cheese demon, whatever he’s doing I must be a part of it.
Yah I ordered a large pizza but it’s thin crust/ light cheese so basically it’s a salad .
Give me one good reason not to have a drink.
Hepatologist: Hold my beer.
When you wish upon a star your feet burst into flame and you realize it was a dumb place to stand.
“I didn’t choose the thug life…” I mutter as I trim the crust off of my PB & J sandwich
Doctor: I’m sorry son, it appears you have… Jenga-itis
Me: [trying to pull the doctor’s shoes off without him falling over] is it bad?
Therapist: and how are you now?
Morgan Freeman: I am fine
Morgan Freeman: but Morgan Freeman was not fine
Therapist: I’m sorry what?
Her: so tell me a fun fact
Me: the plural of octopus is really octopodes!
H: I mean about yourself…
M: …I know the plural of octopus
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Just let me finish this movie
Wife: What are you watching?
Me: *turns to camera* The Neverending Story