People text “happy new year” and go missing for the rest of the year!
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Me: what did you get into??
8: [frantically trying to wash his red colored hands] nothing. I did nothing.
Me: Have you had a shower, and brushed your teeth?
Son: Yes of course
Me: It doesn’t look like it
Son: oh you mean this week?
“I do so like green eggs and ham. Thank you! Thank you, Salmonella-I-am.”
– The breakfast that inspired Dr Seuss
I work out just enough so I can still chase the ice cream truck.
Son: My Jurassic Park game stopped working
Me: So, E reptile dysfunction?
Son:
Me:
Son: Where’s mom?
Me: do you like my new hairstyle?
17: oh – did you do that on purpose?
when i die please avenge my death regardless of the circumstances
Macklemore was pretty far ahead of me in terms of self-awareness. When I was in the third grade I literally thought I might be a thundercat.
Would u watch a movie about a teenage boy who screams “I wish I was dead,” but God hears “Deb,” so he turns into his 50-yr old neighbor Deb?
[11am]
Me: oh look, it’s sunny out.
Me: I should go running.
Me: or swimming!
Me: these Doritos are delicious.
I’ve lost my boyfriend! He’s in one of these browser tabs, somewhere.
Don’t you hate it when some idiots won’t even go 5 mph over the speed limit in the left lane but then when you try to pass them all of a sudden they want to go 127 mph into the sun
The Bible is so unrealistic, Noah’s wife would have never allowed two spiders on that boat.
Buddhist Monk: thinking is the cause of human suffering so we must let go of the mind. This takes many years
me: you want to lose your mind?
BM: yes
me: and you aren’t allowed to marry and have children
BM: right
me: ah, I see the difficulty
[GUYS WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE]
Guy1: What should we call it?
Guy2: How bout ‘Hot Spot’?
Guy1: Nah..
Guy2: How bout ‘Fireplace’?
Guy1: Duuuuuuuuude!!!
Wife: wtf is this pile of clothes doing on the floor?
Me: I struck down a Jedi.
W: god I hate you.
M: yes, use your hate
When I was a kid and my dad was 40yo, I used to think he must be an old man who was practically almost dead.
Now that I’m nearing 40, I know the truth: I was right.
A Haiku For My Salad:
I do not like you
You will never be grilled cheese
You make my mouth sad
“Since you both claim to be this infant’s mother, we’ll cut the baby in half.”
OK.
Sounds reasonable.
“Y…uh, alright then. Let’s do this.”
I feel like something is missing from my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.
I’m swilling port like a British butler who had a rough afternoon at the races.
I’ve been taking anti-performance enhancing drugs and according to my life they’re working really well.
I ordered a pair of shoes delivered to my house. I’m too excited to wait at home so I’m camping out at the end of my street. Send snacks?
when I order a bagel I have them butter the outside too so I can just let it slide down my throat like I’m a pelican
I’m sorry that you guys asked for this but the answer is yes, you would.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a guy, on the side of the highway reciting the alphabet backwards and trying to walk a straight line.
CLEVELAND: We want a championship.
DEVIL: ok, but you’ll have to host the Republicans.
CLE: …Fine.
DEVIL: Trump’s the guy.
CLE: We want 2.
hostess: table or booth
termite family: we’ll have both
Her: You sound hoarse. What’s wrong?
*flashback to me screaming Taylor Swift songs in my car on the way home*
Me: Dunno. Probably a cold.
I heard from someone in the know that every bank is going to collapse this week and we should all go to the banks at the same time and get all of our money out