ONLINE QUIZ: “According to your answers, the Sorting Hat says you are a: —HUFFLEPUFF—”
BIG BAD WOLF: Whaaaaaat?? That has to be the stupidest thi– oooh, I get it…
You Might Also Like
ruin a date by talking about marriage and then following through on it
3 Best Uses for Oven Timers:
1. Remind you of beer in the freezer
2. Pizza rolls
3. Notify guests when their time’s up & they should leave
If you love someone, poison them a little bit each day. If they don’t suspect you at all, they might be the ONE.
They say people with pets live longer. Many assume it’s all the love and affection. I think it’s all the bending down to pick stuff up.
I’m praying to 1500 Hindu Gods to help me finish decorating this Christmas tree
Who else read this as a threatening Yoda?
[person at the grocery store is crowding my personal space]
me: oh hi do you work here can i ask you a question
[person at the grocery store is immediately no longer crowding my personal space]
Harness the power of my dog’s wagging tail and we could step into a much greener future.
Myth: Have kids close in age. It gets easier and they’ll have a friend to play with
Fact: They’ll fight. Every hour. Every day.
I used to think I had a Japanese friend.
But it was just my Imagine Asian.
Coworker: Good morning
Me (suddenly realizing this is my first interaction of the day): How are go?
“He sure seems like a nice young man” is Grandma-speak for “I’d totally hit that.”
Yeah I like bananas. When they’re almost yellow but still have a tiny bit of green near the stem. So for about a bananosecond.
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted.
Why are gifts in airports so expensive? God’s punishing you for waiting until the flight home to buy your wife a gift.
My boss just choked on a breath mint. It was a tough decision to do the Heimlich maneuver because he really needed that mint.
a shrimp? am i to accept, as god’s own truth, that the sea’s very own abominable and chittering roach, was the one who took wok into hand and fried this rice?
Please send me love and light I went on a walk today and I nodded + smiled politely at someone but they were a Halloween decoration.
Justin Bieber songs are much more enjoyable when you replace the word “girl” with “gerbil”.
thinking about the time i moved into a new spot and there were bullet holes in the ceiling and the owner said the previous resident had seen a real big spider
[submarine]
captain: why can’t we submerge?!
stowaway jesus: lol
i get all my pet peeves from a peeve rescue
Me: You are pretty.
She: Thanks.Me: I wish there was something between us.
She: Me too.Me: Really?? Like what??
She: A wall.
Just once I’d like to see a hostage negotiator aim higher than pizza
her: *texts something funny*
me: *types hahahahaha*
*stares at it*
*deletes one ha*
Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.
[blind date]
Me: Oooh here she comes. Ok fella act cool. YOU GOT THIS
Her: Hi, I’m Linda
Me: *nose-whistles Despacito in its entirety*
“Punch it bro, the lights gray.”
The auto parts store is like ‘get our free app’ as if I’m buying parts everyday. I only need this one thing.