Just took an antibiotic and a probiotic and now my body will fight itself to the death!
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First Dates are like seeing a new doctor for the first time. How much do you want to tell them before you sound crazy.
Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.
good let them take over I have had enough
My spirit animal is a cockroach because I refuse to give up and die.
Also I’m sorta crunchy.
Maybe the reason Miss Piggy is still single is she has a fear of kermitment
the crazy thing about being a woman is regardless of how much you grow and what you achieve, we will never be entirely safe from the sudden urge to get bangs
When your man makes a valid point
I got drunk and went to an AAA meeting. It didn’t help. There were just a bunch of sober people talking about roadside maintenance.
A facial recognition program, but one that matches your Tupperware container to its lid.
(first week into weight watchers)
You think I can get an advance on next week’s calories?
I’ve been married for seven years and when we visit my mother-in-law she still types her wifi password in for me rather than share it.
I try not to drink in the office because if the boss finds out he may ask me to share
drivers seem to underestimate how willing i am to get knocked down at a zebra crossing to prove a point
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
Our society makes women ashamed and unhappy with their bodies. I, for one, have always been disappointed by the lack of cupholders on mine.
Ask a man if he’s critiquing your work…
Men Who Are Dating say: No, & compliment you.
Single Men say: Yes
Married Men: Try to hide
You guys, I seriously never ask for prayers but this is an emergency. There is a rumor that Red Lobster might be closing. Pray. Pray hard.
[first day as a botany professor]
me: who can tell me why plants release pollen in the spring?
student: to reproduce?
me: wrong. it’s to torture me specifically
Just heard a dad threaten to spank his screaming son “in front of the world.” Stand your ground, kid. There’s no way he has that technology.
Worst part of being an idiot is always forgetting it. If I was a smart person, I’d remember I was an idiot from the start and plan around it
“what’s your favorite childhood memory?”
not going to work.
You’re worried about the home hairdressing? Wait till you have to resort to home dentistry.
I’m not good at communicating with others these days. I actually started a conversation the other day with “I like your chicken. It’s very fluffy.”
It takes a long time to delete 900 million dollars worth of stuff from an Amazon shopping cart.
This everything bagel has too much giraffe on it
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
Whipped cream is just shaving cream that does whatever it’s girlfriend tells it to do.
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve threatened to cancel Halloween today, then I’d have about 25 dollars.
Heading to an estate sale to collect some cool stuff for my estate sale when I die.
Why I still can’t play Chess:
Older brother trying to teach me: “And this piece is?”
Me: “Horse.”
OB: “…the Knight.”
Me: “Ah, but see how I remember it is it moves horseizontally.”
OB: “I need you to go away now.”