What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their game in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer
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One night stands just make more sense for single people. Why would you need a night stand on both sides of the bed?
A lemonade stand is a good way to teach your kids the value of someone giving you money because they feel sorry for you.
Enter password:
“ScoobyDoo”
sorry password must contain a special character
ScoobydooFeaturingBatman
Starbucks says it will close 150 stores next year.
And that’s just in one mall.
[buys new refrigerator with water dispenser]
day 1: I will never tire of this water dispenser
day 15: still luvin’ this water dispenserday 4563: wahey! water dispenser
7yr old: I’m going to set a world record for walking in circles around this chair. “Alexa, set a time for 90 minutes.”
Me: Do you realize that’s an hour and a half?
7: Oh, “Alexa, set a timer for 5 minutes.”
HER: Impress me.
ME: I own a record label-
HER: Ooooooo
ME: er. A record labelER. It makes labels for my Abba vinyls.
5yo *oldest*: Dad, why do we have to eat our vegetables?
Me: You know what? Our first kid asked the same question
please stop making me feed my video game characters. i shouldn’t have the fact they are living better than me rubbed in my face like this.
“Mom, I promise I won’t interrupt your nap.” “Thanks honey, could I finish peeing by myself?”
While I was out picketing my dog unlocked a new skill and figured out how to steal the cat’s food so now he doesn’t get a midday snack because he already HAD one so now everybody at my house is mad and that is why this strike needs to end, your honor.
interviewer: one last question, name the coldest place on earth?
me: my ex’s heart
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: [holding back tears] you’re hired !!!
I hate when I’m playing air guitar and I break an air string.
[At the car dealership]
Me: See, this has everything I want, right here
Salesman: Sir, our soda machine is not for sale
I love how girls say that they like a guy with a sense of humour and yet you’ll never find a poster of Mr Bean on their wall.
Everyone talks about finding the one that makes their heart skip a beat. Personally I’m not looking to develop a heart problem
The 30 mins before I start my kid’s bedtime routine are the longest 3 hours of my day
“What are you typing? Let me guess. Oh wait, stop right there, I know what it is. It’s not that? Okay wait.. I know it, I know it!” -Google.
As always, Wile E. Coyote’s plan had unexpected consequences.
What’s the difference between a sweet potato that you take out of an oven and a pig you throw out the window?
One is a heated yam, and the other is a yeeted ham….
Tomorrow…trade cell phones with your significant other for the day…see how many of you are single by the end of the day…
NEIGHBOR: Is that your dog running around your yard?
ME: No. That’s a fence.
Woke up this morning and the alarm clock was laughing at me….then I realized it was upside down and the time was 7:07
I have a Brown Paper Belt in Origami
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Make love not war.
2) Love is a battlefield.
3) You’re screwed.
[on date]
Him: Honesty is very important. Be upfront about things. We have to trust each other. It’s how love works.
Me: I’m Batman.
Her: I’m a sapiophile
Me: I don’t know what that is
Her: it’s being attracted to intelligence
Me: totally I am a sap… sapial… me too
Cashier: Big weekend plans?
Me: *putting pile of microwaveable meals for one on counter* You know it.
Men love when you forget to wash your make-up off & wake up looking like an adorable raccoon but they don’t love when you randomly wake them up with terrifying raccoon noises at 3 AM. Interesting. Very interesting.
Like a shark smelling blood in the water, my toddler can also smell when I am eating my secret stash of cookies.