Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
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*octopus goes in for a palm reading*
Psychic: “CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS”
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
Instead of yelling “Hello?” when u think a murderer’s in your home, say “Goodbye” Then if he’s there he’ll be like well OK guess I’m leaving
Now that I have a standing desk I’m adding manual labor to my resume.
technically you can breathe anything just not very long for some things
[submarine]
captain: why can’t we submerge?!
stowaway jesus: lol
Halloween and Valentine’s day are pretty much the same thing… people dress up and pretend to be someone they’re not for some sugar
An epiphany I had earlier today: Most people know nothing about the past, so for them movies like Oppenheimer and Napoleon don’t have known endings
“So after the battle of Waterloo-”
“Shut up man, spoiler warning please”
HOW TO JOG:
1. Put on jogging outfit.
2. Go outside.
3. Imagine a cow galloping down the street.
4. Try to milk that cow.
*first time seeing a musical
“WHY ARE THEY DOING THAT?!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD MAKE IT STOP!”
The lady next to me on the plane smells like she ate a bowl of grandmas for breakfast.
Sexting:
Him: What do you like in the bedroom?
Me: Sleeping.
Him: No, I meant what can I do to make you happy in the bedroom?
Me: Close the door on your way out.
Him: No, I meant…
Me: Also lock the door.
*Makes cereal for my kids breakfast*
*Makes bacon and egg for mine”My kids: can I have some of that bacon?
Me: *gives them some bacon*
K: maybe some egg?
M: *gives them some egg**Makes cereal for my breakfast*
“hey dad, when did they outlaw hyperboles?”
“hmm i dont know son, like a bajillion million years ago? idiot”
*cops bust down door*
*aggressively puts Hello Kitty stickers on random Harley Davidsons*
Me: do that thing I like
Body: sleep more than 5 hours? Pfft lol! Yeah we don’t do that anymore.
Satan: And this is the TV room.
Me: This isn’t so bad. *turns on TV*
*only thing showing is golf*
When I die, please bury me wrapped in a sheet. That way I won’t have to look for one when I become a ghost
There’s no ‘i’ in gaslight.
i know it’s been said a billion times but literally everything about Brendan Fraser is fantastic
I realize that choosing a pasta can be a confusing and difficult decision, but for the love of all that is holy, move your cart to the side.
Waiter: pumpkin pie?
Me: ok, …. darling
People keep coming to me for advice like they forget that back in the day I turned down a bitcoin to repair someones computer for them and did it for a few beers instead.
Tried arranging dinner out but AC changed eat to war so I arrived to find the whole family laying siege to this Taco Bell.
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
interviewer: would u say ur driven
[cut to my mom waiting in the parking lot to drive me home]
me: oh yes
My husband says I’m addicted to spending money on pointless things. So I bought him a Llama to cheer him up.
If I reply touché that means I have no clue what you meant
No, you tell me what YOU were doing during that gap in my resume.