Nah, you don’t give me anxiety. not like when someone hands me money and the bills are facing different directions
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Sometimes I lay awake at night and ask myself, why don’t I have a hedgehog?
“More than 1 way to skin a cat” – “Killing 2 birds with 1 stone” – Running like a chicken with its head cut off”
— who ARE we???
Guys I went to the department store today to by a toaster over and they made me wear pants and I wouldn’t because this isn’t the America I signed up for and I know the constitution so I left with no pants and no toaster oven thanks a lot.
My cat looks at me like “I would have been a god in ancient Egypt, I’ll have you know”.
I’m inventing a swaddle blanket for like 5 year olds. It’s basically a straight jacket, but with a friendly name like “The Tantrum Hug.”
In middle school I knew a guy named Austin who would always say that he slept with your mom to own you. Then one kid called his bluff and started talking about how Austin had basically ruined his family and how his mom was in prison now. Completely changed the game.
Dog: Oh the car! I love the car! The car takes me to the dog park! I love the dog park! *pants* I’m so excited I could pee myself!
*pulls up at the vet’s*
Dog: hey, wait a minute…
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work
Me: *Does one 30-second Google search for giraffe pictures to use in a joke I’m texting someone*
Pinterest email: HERE ARE 48 BOARDS OF GIRAFFES YOU MIGHT ENJOY BECAUSE YOU ARE OBVIOUSLY A GIRAFFE FANATIC
5yo: OMG I’M STARVING I NEED TO EAT I’M GONNA DIIIIIEE!!
*eats 3 fries*
5yo: Can I be done?
Me: I’m sort of a chicken magnet
Him: Don’t you mean chick magn-
*sounds of distant bawk-bawking*
Me: We have to go NOW
[being murdered]
Two Murderers: *trying to kill me at the same time but their stabs cancel out*
Me: *becomes even more alive*
If I saw Bigfoot I would simply take a high resolution and focused photo of him
Gecko at McDonald’s crawl through:
I’ll have A Bug Mac, flies & a small snake.
Arby’s also has a secret menu. If you order a “phone book” they bring you a phone book and you can find any other place to eat.
Don’t have a house cat drive you to the post office. I know that now.
[Time is NOT Real Institute]
BOSS: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME {coyly}: Time is not real
BOSS: Ah, very good. That was a test. You seem like the right guy for the job…. When can you start?
ME: Right away
BOSS: …
ME: Oh shi-
Wife: I think I’m going into labor!
Me: *with a cold* Could you make me some soup before you go?
Asked a guy in the garden area of Home Depot if he had anything that won’t die.
He replied: My Mother-in-law!
We fist bumped.
WHY DO BUGS KEEP FLYING AROUND YOU WHEN YOU ARE CLEARLY TRYING TO KILL THEM
The people who shout the loudest about their all powerful God protecting them & delivering them from any evil, also own a gun, just in case.
Slut: desirable woman who has sex with someone other than yourself.
Took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise… Turns out it was just a Pitbull song on the radio.
God [returning from 200 year vacation] who touched the thermostat?
This painting is titled:
Would It Hurt You To Put The Dirty Bowl In The Dishwasher?
Me: Goodnight Moon.
Moon: Don’t “Goodnight” me! Do you know what time it is? Where the hell have you been?
Americans pay for gym memberships and for people to mow their lawns.
WIFE: Stop taking things the wrong way.
ME: [swallows suppository]
[blind date]
her: this is nice, i was worried you’d turn out to be weird or something
me: i lost my virginity on a ghost pirate ship
her: ah there it is
Him: “Do you want to cuddle?”
Me: “Yeah, let me call the dog.”